


Come, If Convenient

by eloquated, sherlock221Bismymuse



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: BAMF Molly Hooper, E-mail, F/M, Greg is Sweet, John Is So Done, Mycroft IS the British Government, Sex Toys, Sherlock experiments, Sherlock is a Mess, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-09-15 19:22:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16939218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eloquated/pseuds/eloquated, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sherlock221Bismymuse/pseuds/sherlock221Bismymuse
Summary: What is the use of running this website if you don't respond to queries in time??!I wrote to you yesterday about information on a thing. A thing that women use. For...doing things.When a strange case leaves Sherlock Holmes floundering, he turns to an expert for help.  But what starts with a little sensible advice becomes something unexpected when he discovers that sex toy reviewer, Mouse, is rather easy to talk to.Dr. Molly Hooper isn't sure what to think when she receives a strange and demanding email from someone who is certainly not her usual fan...





	1. You've got mail

**Author's Note:**

> Hello you beautiful lovelies! I'm never quite sure what to put here, but I hope you enjoy the fic! We'll be updating the tags and things as we go, so hold on and lets hope for a fun ride!

**Welcome to Word of Mouse**

Where science and sex toys collide, and euphemisms go to die.    
You won't find any 'iron-hard tumescence' or 'most treasured pearl of passion' here!    
But if you're looking for reviews that don't shy away from the truth, and the science, you've come to to the right place.

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**Recent Posts**

**Lollipop Love from The Sugar Factory  
**      I know I said I'd never review another toy from this cutesy hellspawn company, but when they sent me their new lollipop themed vibrator (in bright orange!!) I was curious.  We all make mistakes. [ **...** ]  
# _make it stop  #why do I do this to myself?  #lured by the orange #when bad toys meet good people_

 **Instant Underpants from In A Jiffy  
**      It's not a sex toy, but I saw these in the shop and had to review them!  What are they made out of (feels more like sandpaper than cotton) and what      happens when you accidentally toss them into your beaker of tea instead of the beaker of water?  It's been a long week at the lab [ **...** ]  
_#scientist at work  #not really science of sex  #they're dripping all over my desk  #and not in a nice way_

 **Recent Reviews**  

 **hailbecca :** Thanks so much for reviewing Honeybear lube!  I was going to buy it and you saved me! I'd never heard of Chlorhexidine gluconate and my problems have gone away since I started avoiding it!  
**spicyanon :** Before I found your site I thought sex was boring.  Now I have more confidence, and I'm loving it!  
**cupcakedrone :** I never thought I was a texture person until I read your review on the Buzz and tried it.  I'm converted!  
**kungfumatthew :** I'm really curious about electrostim, could you explain for us noobs how it works?

  **Contact**

mouse@toybox.uk

─────────

 

 **From:** Name <sexdoesntalarmme@whatever.com>  
**To:** Mouse <mouse@toybox.uk>  
**Date:** 10th Dec 2018 8.50 pm  
**Subject:** Why do you even bother?

What is the use of running this website if you don't respond to queries in time??!

I wrote to you yesterday about information on a thing. A thing that women use. For...doing things.

You really ought to check the junk folder daily!! It's just unprofessional to not response quickly.

Yours is the least tedious site I could find....but time is of the essence here.

This thing is pink and black and the box it came in is called Lovebunny.

Can it cause an electric shock if a water based lubricant is used instead of silicone based ones?

 

 **From:** Name <sexdoesntalarmme@whatever.com>  
**To:** Mouse <mouse@toybox.uk>  
**Date:** 10th Dec 2018, 8.51 pm  
**Subject:** It's important how you put it

Also, why isn't your 'best toys' list in alphabetical order??

How can one look for WickedGirl if it is between PussyLust and Mr.Cox??

It is simply not logical.

 

 **From:** Mouse <mouse@toybox.uk>  
**To:** Name <sexdoesntalarmme@whatever.com>  
**Date:** 10th Dec 2018 9.25 pm  
**Subject:** re: Why do you even bother?

 Dear sexdoesntalarmme

For the same reason anyone else might not check their email as regularly as they aught to.  Real life is a terribly sneaky thing that makes it more tempting to slip into bed with a book, than sit at a computer fielding emails.

Especially when it's a very good book.  But I'm assuming these aren't the 'things' you were referring to women doing?  :)

As for your question, it really would help if you could give me a little more information.  Sadly, half the packaging for women's toys seems to be pink and black (and the other half is a really unfortunate pink and white, or worse, pink and pink)  so that doesn't narrow down the product very much!

Does it use batteries or a dedicated power cord?  And does the 'thing' have a smooth plastic or a silicone outer layer?  

I've never heard of anything with batteries giving shocks, and silicone isn't a conductor, so you probably aught to be safe.  But if it has a damaged power cord, it would run the risk of any other electrical device (whether you've used lube or not!).

I've never done any studies on the specific conductivity of different lubes, but you may have given me a place to start answering the collection of electrostim questions I have piling up in my inbox.

Good luck with your very pressing situation!

Mouse

 **From:** Mouse <mouse@toybox.uk>  
**To:** Name <sexdoesntalarmme@whatever.com>  
**Date:** 10th Dec 2018 9.28 pm  
**Subject:** re: It's important how you put it

 Hello again, sexdoesntalarmme!

If I wanted to make a curated list, I would.

But most of my subscribers check out the site rather frequently, and they've found it easier to see the newest things first.

At the top of the page there's a search bar, you could put in the name of your specific toy there.

And of course, happy hunting!

Mouse

PS: I advise not looking for WickedGirl in the first place.  It's atrocious and the jelly contains Toluene,

Cyclohexanone and N-Methyl-2-pyrrolidone.  A perfect combination for chemical burns in unfortunate places.

 

 **From:** Name <sexdoesntalarmme@whatever.com>  
**To:** Mouse <mouse@toybox.uk>  
**Date:** 10th Dec 2018 9.32 pm  
**Subject:** re: Why do you even bother?

 Well, when you said 'where science and sex toys collide" you raised my hopes but maybe I was mistaken.....

You do not realize that your non-answer could be a matter of life and death.

Yes, this tedious thing seems to run on batteries and this is a new one but hypothetically could an old one or a damaged one cause a shock?

There is also an Extra Silent Remote Control Knicker Vibrator.

Is this also available with flavours? Could someone, hypothetically, use this from the neighbouring building if one could boost the signal ?

And , yes, why IS there so much pink ?! Is there any evidence to show that this colour makes women people want to do more tedious bodily things using all this....equipment?

 

 **From:** Name <sexdoesntalarmme@whatever.com>  
**To:** Mouse <mouse@toybox.uk>  
**Date:** 10th Dec 2018 9.34 pm  
**Subject:** re: Why do you even bother?

Which book were you reading instead of replying to the queries?

On your OWN blog I may remind you. If you call yourself a scientist you need to review your priorities.

The Work comes first. You come later.

 

 **From:** Name <sexdoesntalarmme@whatever.com>  
**To:** Mouse <mouse@toybox.uk>  
**Date:** 10th Dec 2018 11.45 pm  
**Subject:** re: Why do you even bother?

 Toluene, Cyclohexanone and N-Methyl-2-pyrrolidone.

Perfect !!! Oh I KNEW they were likely to be chemical burns and not electrical.

You have been more helpful than anticipated.

About the way you manage your blog, honestly, you can't just tell me to 'type the name' because if I KNEW the name why would I come looking here ?!

I know another blogger who has the same annoying attitude towards his blog. He thinks it is about HIM. No. It isn't. It is about the readers !

Have you considered doing a survey and then analysing the results and preparing your index in a way that would be much more useful ?

  
  
**From:** Mouse <mouse@toybox.uk>  
**To:** Name <sexdoesntalarmme@whatever.com>  
**Date:** 10th Dec 2018 11.45 pm  
**Subject:** re: Why do you even bother?

A dire sex toy emergency?  Well that's certainly a new one. I feel like I'm doing a service to the nation, now!  :)

An old one could, but it's not very likely.  Their motors were significantly less powerful than our modern ones... but I suppose if it was a proper antique?  Still, not very likely. You'd really be more likely to get a shock by taking an uninsulated toy into the bath, rather than just by using it.

Flavours in sex toys are usually added in the lube, not the toy itself.  If you're looking for that, check out Satin Affair, apparently their flavours are the least repulsive!  

Remote control toys usually don't have enough power to reach across a room, much less the street.  If you were looking for something to tease at a distance, you'd be better off finding something with a dedicated mobile app, instead of a remote that runs on triple A's.  

Tedious bodily things, indeed!  No, it's because most of them are made by men who don't actually know how female bodies work.  So they slap in a cheap little motor, paint it pink, and expect to become millionaires. Just look at the number of women's toys that are shaped like lipsticks and cupcakes.  Or rubber ducks.

You have such a scathing opinion of me, Alarmed!  I was reading The Thorn Birds. Even scientists get to have the occasional evening off!  Maybe you should try it, it sounds like you have a whole box of things to amuse yourself there!

Mouse

 

 **From:** Mouse <mouse@toybox.uk>  
**To:** Name <sexdoesntalarmme@whatever.com>  
**Date:** 11th Dec 2018 12.01 am  
**Subject:** re: Why do you even bother?

It sounds like you're working a case!  Well that rather explains your impatience.

I haven't thought about that, because I have a decade's worth of reviews and articles on this site, it would take me ages to reorder the whole thing.  And I just don't have the time! It's not a terrible idea though, perhaps I'll make up an alphabetized list, just for people like you, Alarmed.

Though I'm curious... if you don't know the name to search for it, how would you know where in the alphabetized list to look?

Mouse

 

 **From:** Name <sexdoesntalarmme@whatever.com>  
**To:** Mouse <mouse@toybox.uk>  
**Date:** 11th Dec 2018 12.15 am  
**Subject:** re: Why do you even bother?

Yes, it was indeed in service of Queen and country you could say.

It is incomprehensible as to why anyone would want artificial flavours on their ...things.

I already tried 17 different flavours ranging from cherry pie to bacon, whisky and garlic.

Why not use the actual real flavour if one must have an oral fixation? And if it has to be artificial at least go for the Bertie Botts; range of flavours....not that all of them would be convenient or pleasurable I must confess.

I have placed an order for Satin Affair. I even ordered a Japanese finger condom last week but was sadly disappointed it came without any fingers.

Why do women not design their own toys? I would design my own. Using a 3 D printer. If I had any interest in such time wasting activities.

I am designing a long distance remote controlled thing. My brother has offered to lend me some sophisticated technical equipment ( well he would have but he doesn't know I have taken it already). I am not sure how to conduct the experiment once it is ready ....it is meant for women people.

Just to make it clear -- I do not have a scathing opinion of you 'Mouse'. I do not have time to invest in a range of opinions for different people. Everyone is equally tedious.

You sounded like maybe there was potential for being someone ...well...more intelligent and scientific than most.

But The Thorn Birds?? Really ? That was worth ignoring your blog for ?!! Un-believable.

I have a friend who reads books like that.  Well ....I say 'friend' but I am never sure who that includes.

 

 **From:** Mouse <mouse@toybox.uk>  
**To:** Name <sexdoesntalarmme@whatever.com>  
**Date:** 11th Dec 2018 12.18 am  
**Subject:** re: Why do you even bother?

Seventeen different flavours of lube?  That sounds like a very easy way to make yourself sick!  And I suppose people use it because cherry or lemon taste better than silicone and plastic?  I don't know which sounds worse though, garlic, bacon or whiskey (though I'm rather banking on the bacon, that sounds repulsive!)

Maybe if they came in flavours like tea, and Custard Cream, they'd be more appealing!  As it is, I hope you haven't given yourself a tummyache with that much Hydroxyethyl cellulose.  I'm not certain it was ever meant to be part of a 17 course lubricant feast.

If Bertie Botts made flavoured lube, I think it would certainly change their target demographic!

You say that, but what if the condom came with a not very nice finger inside?  And I suppose not many people have the anatomical knowledge or the access to create their own toys. You sound very confident that you could do it, but I have my doubts, Alarmed.  Even with a 3D printer you'd first have to know what your body wanted. Otherwise how could you make it? There's more to a toy than just shape!

You could just call us women.. I promise, we're entirely aware that we're people, too!  :) But if you don't want to try your contraption on yourself, it sounds like you'll need to find a willing subject for your experiment.  One hopes your brother isn't too cross about you borrowing his things to make sex toys.. of course, perhaps he'll be amused? Or curious!

I certainly am.  You'll have to tell me how your experiment goes.

It's a classic, and my coworker recommended it.  But I'm not defending my bedtime reading to you, a little escapism never hurt anyone!

You know, Alarmed?  That comment about your friends might be the saddest thing I've heard all day.  I’m sure they’re friends, even if you aren’t sure about the labels.

Mouse

 

 **From:** Name <sexdoesntalarmme@whatever.com>  
**To:** Mouse <mouse@toybox.uk>  
**Date:** 11th Dec 2018 12.18 am  
**Subject:** Delete this !!

How did you know I was working a case ???

You need to delete this thread of discussions.

It is a matter of national security.

P.S I could help you design the survey and make an index.

 

 **From:** Name <howwouldyouknow@encrypt.ed>  
**To:** Name <sexdoesntalarmme@whatever.com>  
                 **CC:** Mouse <mouse@toybox.uk>  
**Date:** 11th Dec 2018 12.19 am

 

**This thread has been deleted**


	2. Recover lost email?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Christmas draws closer, so do Alarmed and Mouse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, lovely readers! It's been crazy busy this week, but the muses refuse to be silenced!
> 
> We're also going to start adding any references in the footnotes for anyone who wants a little more information on these topics!

**From:** Name <sexdoesntalarmme@whatever.com>  
**To:** Mouse <mouse@toybox.uk>  
**Date:** 15th Dec 2018 12.03am  
**Subject:** re: Why do you even bother?

You need to stop calling me ‘Alarmed’!

It is literally the EXACT OPPOSITE of my name.

This is why I don’t bother with ‘friends.’ This is so _tedious...._

And this close to Christmas it feels as though everyone has nothing but friends…..But I don’t need your pity, Mouse. I am happily married.

To my Work.

It is the perfect partner. No unrealistic expectations, leaves me alone when I want it to and doesn’t judge me.

Also, if all you women and other people have so many friends, why do you need all these…things you review on your blog ? Aren’t friends also supposed to come ….with benefits?

P.S. My brother was a Bit Annoyed that I had ‘borrowed’ his stuff….but then he has been in a state of perpetual annoyance with me since I was born. So…sorry not sorry. Maybe I will print him a sex robot as a return gift. With the Queen's face on it. LOL

As for the lubes, well, I have always had to do it for myself, haven’t I? Experiment I mean. My annoying flatmate did fuss around and get me to drink some awful medicine which made me feel even worse actually. Tedious. Boring. I didn’t even tell him what I had been testing or I would have never heard the end of it.

About the flavours, I thought the bacon was hilarious because you know porking and bacon….. My brother always tells me to keep up with slang and such since it can come handy.

      _[removed: ~~For some cases...~~ ] _

P.P.S Either you work a night shift every three days or you live in the same time zone as me. If the latter, would you be interested in testing the remote control thing I am working on?

You may also not be entirely wrong about me not knowing what I want to make for myself with the 3D printer. I have never had reason to figure it out so far…..

P.P.P.S Do you hate Christmas as much as I do?

 

 **From:** Mouse <mouse@toybox.uk>  
**To:** Name <sexdoesntalarmme@whatever.com>  
**Date:** 15th Dec 2018 12.25am  
**Subject:** re: Why do you even bother?

You might be right, but it's better than calling you 'Not alarmed'.  Or would you prefer just 'Sex'? No, Alarmed you've been named, and I rather think it's going to stick!  To be truthful, I'm glad to hear from you. I was little worried, just a bit, when you vanished right along with our conversation.  It felt a little 1984 for a moment, "Big Brother is watching you". Still, glad you see you're well, and neither the government, your roommate, or the copious amounts of lube have done you in!

Your work is all well and good, but it also isn't much of a support when you're having an off day.  Or if you're sad, scared or sick. You can love your work, but I'm fairly sure it can't love you back.  Sometimes I wish it would, though.. people aren't always easy to cope with.

Friends with benefits is something rather different, Alarmed!  And I shouldn't be returning your email while I'm at work, but it's been a rather slow night and your acerbic comments are keeping me company!  But to answer your question? The toys on my blog aren't people-replacements, they're more like tools. I can enjoy music without a bow in my hand, but playing the cello is much easier with it!

Besides, the classic Hitachi vibrates at over 5,000 RPM.  And I've yet to meet a man that can do that!

I think you'd give your brother terrible nightmares with a toy like that!  Or a complex. Or both! I'm guessing you're younger, then? He probably likes you more than you realize... he did let you 'borrow' his stuff, after all!  Hopefully between your brother and your roommate they can keep you out of too much trouble.

I'm curious, Alarmed... you say you experiment on yourself.  And you found yourself needing to understand a variety of toys.. Why ask me instead of testing them yourself?

Your slang is vile, I don't need those mental images! (It is a bit funny though...)

I was starting to suspect the same thing.  I live and work in the dead centre of London, what about yourself?  I don't usually give that out, but I'm, maybe, a little intrigued by this contraption you've been building.  Most people's first forays into sex toys aren't of the DIY variety! And maybe it's that you remind me of someone I know, which is probably a silly reason to trust you?  But we all do silly things sometimes.

I wish I loved Christmas as much as I did when I was little.  It was easier to be excited about it then, don't you think? I'm supposed to be visiting my family outside London if I can get the time away from work.  Are you being dragged into plans as well, or are you armoured against holiday cheer?

Mouse

 

 **From:** Name <sexdoesntalarmme@whatever.com>  
**To:** Mouse <mouse@toybox.uk>  
**Date:** 15th Dec 2018 3.03am  
**Subject:** Irrational holiday cheer

I refuse to call you Mouse. That is just absurd. As a scientist if you would have chosen to call yourself Cat there would at least be the possible reference to Schrodinger. What is ‘Mouse’??

So, Not Mouse, I must confess that (despite the silly name), you do seem more intelligent than most people. And you may be more right than you think about my Big Brother. He has eyes everywhere. I dislike this new- fangled habit of the use of ‘emojis’ but I would have liked to add something here which shows you my dark expression. He is always trying to control me. >:(

(And he totally deserves the sexbot with the Queen’s face. Actually, maybe I will make one with his own face, because that is who he loves best I think.)

You say you trust me because I remind you of someone you know? That is impossible. I am utterly unique.

But I do find myself with the odd willingness to trust you too. You sound like a strong confident person who knows what she wants. But you also sound kind.

( You never did say if you would be interested in participating in the experiment with the remote controlled thing?)

This ‘friend’ (or maybe I should call her co-worker?) –she is also kind. She is always helpful. But the other day I had gone out for some fieldwork with her and she laughed at me when I told her about a man for whom I had put up some shelves. So I looked  it up later and it doesn’t mean only what I thought it did. That is why I have to learn slang. I am not very good with humans at the best of times. I find the silence is also very comfortable when she is around. But I never know what to say to her besides work.

And you keep referring to my ‘room-mate’. Ha. As if I could ever share space with someone in my room! He is my FLAT mate. We have very separate rooms. He is useful to have around and is occasionally helpful in my work also. But share a room with him? Not happening….

About testing those toys on myself….again I don’t know why I feel that you will understand but I think you will…..I have never done any of these ….things….with anyone. I have never felt the need.

I wrote this and deleted it three times…..It is nothing that I am ashamed of but I find that people react very oddly when I tell them that. Why should my identity depend on whether I have had sex or not? Or who I have it with? In fact I find the entire obsession of the human race with sex to be so tedious.

But people find it very amusing that I have never had any experience with it. My brother will find a way to tease me about it even in front of the Queen if he could >:(

That is why I dislike family celebrations around Christmas. God is a ludicrous fantasy to start with and then we create around it such absurd rituals that force people into close proximity and fake cheer by drinking unhealthy amounts of alcohol and obscene amounts of food filled with sugar and oil.

What is the meaning of such a celebration of all that is false and specious and irrational and sentimental in this ailing and morally compromised world?

You may be right that The Work cannot love you back in the same way that maybe a person can, but do you know how many people are killed by intimate partners every year?

Caring is not an advantage.

 

 **From:** Sherlock Holmes <consultingdetective@deductions.com>  
**To:** Mycroft Holmes <mholmes@gov.uk>  
**Date:** 15th Dec 2018 3.05am  
**Subject:** **FWD:**

         | **This thread has been deleted.**

Mycroft, go eat some cake and keep your long nose out of my emails !!!!

 

 **From:** Mouse <mouse@toybox.uk>  
**To:** Name <sexdoesntalarmme@whatever.com>  
**Date:** 15th Dec 2018 5.15am  
**Subject:** re: Irrational holiday cheer

Oh what a ray of sunshine you are, Alarmed!  Or maybe it's the lack of sunlight that's making you crabby?  I think Mother Nature has been trying to drown most of London for the last week (some places get lovely, fluffy snow, and we get this?  Santa's going to need to invest in a row boat if it doesn't let up soon!) And as for your maligning of my nickname, it's just that-- a nickname.  I've had it since I was little, so I can't really take credit for it. I think that would have to go to my big brother.

I was very tempted to reply to your 'what is Mouse' question with a link to the Attenborough documentary on rodents!

You know, I'm not sure if I should feel flattered that you think I'm smarter than most people, or just vaguely insulted for the rest of humanity.  But considering it's coming from you, Alarmed, I suppose I'll take it as high praise indeed! And smart enough to get by in a field that's swimming in Y chromosomes, so make of that what you will.

Did that sound bitter?  I'm really not! I love my work.  I just love it that little bit less when my boss comes down to natter at me about sport.  I did mention it was a very slow night, but I didn't think he was that desperate for a distraction!  What I know about rugby can comfortably fit in a thimble, I'm afraid.

He's always trying to control you?  My own older brother would claim that it's his prerogative, and clearly he needs to take care of the rest of us!  I'm sure it comes from a place of love, even if sometimes it's a little overbearing. Perhaps you would have been the same if you had a bunch of little siblings of your own?

I think you're rather fixated on that sexbot!  If you're not careful, you'll bring about the Singularity, and then where would we be?  Just imagine a world of brilliant robot overlords, all wearing your brother's face. If that isn't a terrifying image, I'm not sure what is!  (Not that I'm saying your brother is monstrous, of course!!!)

I'll refrain from mentioning that my friend would think he's utterly unique as well :)

It sounds like she's someone special to you. But if you only talk to her about work, she might think that the only thing you _want_ to talk about is work.  I'm not an expert, but you said you feel comfortable with her?  I think you should at least try to find a new topic... Take an interest in her work, maybe?  Or what's happening in her life? Oh! And make sure to listen to her answers! It's hard to be comfortable in silence with someone, and if you can do that already with her?  Then I think you'll be ok.

Or you could find an excuse to see her outside of work?  It might help you talk about something else if you're not surrounded by work!

Oh right, yes!  Flatmate. Sorry, Alarmed, I suppose it's one of those habits that's stuck with me from university.  King's has shared dorms and goodness, you should have seen some of the people I roomed with. They were quite the collection of interesting people!  If I ask where you went to school yourself, would you tell me? I'd guess Cambridge or Oxford.. something with a name you're just a little proud of?

I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of, I really don't.  It's just sort of assumed that, by a certain age, people will have 'dealt with it', and isn't that a horrible attitude for something that's supposed to be intimate?   Not that it has to be, of course! Some people are entirely happy with a whole lineup of lovers, I'm just not one of them.

For what it's worth? I empathize with people acting strangely.  Most of them seem to think that only 'certain women' run blogs like this. Or own toys in the first place!  Puritanism still has a lot of answer for... We treat sex like it's a filthy, shameful thing (just look back at your own comments, Alarmed!) and, well, masturbation like it's even worse.

But it's our bodies, and we have to live in them.  If it doesn't hurt anyone, and makes you feel lovely, I find it hard to find the evil in that.  A nice cocktail of Dopamine, Adrenaline and Norepinephrine is a much healthier way to unwind and sleep than liquor or sleeping pills!  

You'd think after running my blog for so long, I wouldn't be phased by writing about orgasms, but apparently that hasn't happened yet!

Well, the point of Christmas was originally for the solstice, brightening up the otherwise dark, cold winter.. but it's certainly not like that anymore, no.  My quartet is supposed to be playing for a Christmas charity next week though, so I'm quite excited about that! I don't get nearly enough chance to play anymore, and I always miss my music when I get to wrapped up in my work.

Caring makes us human, Alarmed.. even when it gets us hurt.

Mouse

PS:  Yes, alright, I'll try your experiment!  My curiousity is trumping my common sense!  I suppose that means we should find a place to meet in person?  Somewhere we could talk about your new Frankensteinian creation?

 

 **From:** Mycroft Holmes <mholmes@gov.uk>  
**To:** Sherlock Holmes <consultingdetective@deductions.com>  
**Date:** 15th Dec 2018 5.01am  
**Subject:** **FWD:**

Brother mine, perhaps it would benefit you to remember who ensures your bills are paid.  And who sees to it that you can pursue your career as a detective, as the good people at Scotland Yard have yet to provide you with a salary for all your help?

When I see that you've spent a not inconsiderable sum on a rather surprising online store, it catches my attention.

And while I have yours, don't forget that Mummy is expecting us home for the holidays this year.  Torture, I know. Which is why neither of us is going to abandon the other to face it alone.

I can't fathom what you would need £1500 of 'marital aids' for, and please, don't tell me. I think I'm quite happier not knowing.

\- M

 

 **From:** Sherlock Holmes <consultingdetective@deductions.com>  
**To:** Mycroft Holmes <mholmes@gov.uk>  
**Date:** 15th Dec 2018 5.03am  
**Subject:** **FWD:**

They are FOR A CASE !!!

And I am too busy to attend pointless family gatherings to celebrate an imaginary creature and also be subjected to the sight of you eating cake all day.

Stop sending me emails. You know I prefer texting.

 

 **From:** Mycroft Holmes <mholmes@gov.uk>  
**To:** Sherlock Holmes <consultingdetective@deductions.com>  
**Date:** 16th Dec 2018 12.03pm  
**Subject:** **FWD:**

Testy testy, brother.  If I didn’t know you better I’d assume your vehemence, and abuse of the caps lock button, was a desperate attempt to distract from the truth.  As long as your experiments don’t involve a trip to A&E, I don’t want to know any more about it.

Those are mental images I am very happy never to have.

Oh yes, a comment about my weight… how very droll. Not to mention original.  I do hope you didn’t sprain something with all that effort.

Forcing me to endure Aunt Rosemary alone is sadism, and you know how much Mummy wanted us both home this year.  Please, put your pique aside for one afternoon and do something that will make her happy.

-M

 

 **From:** Name <sexdoesntalarmme@whatever.com>  
**To:** Mouse <mouse@toybox.uk>  
**Date:** 17th Dec 2018 7.02pm  
**Subject:** re: Irrational holiday cheer

Not Mouse, you are more like my friend than I realized. She also has this tendency to reply with 100 words when 10 would suffice.

Your email almost gave me a headache since it was so long. Size matters you know.

The only useful thing you said in all those words was that you are willing to help with my experiment ……and that too you put in a postscript !

What surprised me however, was that despite being ridiculously long, I found your email more interesting to read than certain other works of a similar length.

So I cross checked by experimenting with reading a comparative number of words from the ‘Compendium of Chemical Forensics’ and ‘ I am a strange loop.’ On a scale of 1-10 I found that your email ranked a 9 while these two favourite books of mine ranked a 7.

I am not sure what the results mean.

As for the Singularity, all I can reveal is that the idea of Cybermen was given to the Doctor Who team by my brother. So, robotic overlords with his face would be his dream come true.

I would also suggest that we should stop talking about my brother!  He is interfering in every aspect of my life anyway. At least I can keep him out of these emails. If you knew him you would never even dream of suggesting that his constant poking of his long nose in my business comes from anything remotely like love. Who do you think taught me that caring is not an advantage?

The Satin Affair that you suggested still hasn’t arrived. But when I ordered it online Amazon suggested I should also try Strawberry Gummy Flavoured underwear. I did order a set out of curiosity and I am baffled yet again by the strange obsession with flavours.

Why would anyone want to eat someone’s underwear? Don’t people first go out for dinner so that they can finish eating and then start having sex? That is what my flat mate seems to do all the time anyway.

Then I started thinking about the curious connection between food and sex. I don’t eat as often as everyone else seems to because it a pointless distraction--- perhaps a bit more useful than sex but still a waste of time on most occasions.

So I checked out the section on your blog titled the Science of Sex. It is rather well researched and you have redeemed yourself there somewhat. You have included adequate references also--- though I would place the Kinsey Scale under pseudo-science at best.

However, if you keep sending such long utterly rambling emails I am going to start identifying the list of topics within each email and responding to them in alphabetical order.

  1. Caring makes us human. Wrong ! Caring makes us weak and illogical. I had someone I cared for. A lot. And then when he was gone it hurt too much. Which is why I don’t do that anymore.
  2. College: Wrong! I don’t care to talk about my fancy college--- because I dropped out. I don’t care which college people went to because almost everyone is an idiot. Homeless people can often be of far superior intelligence in my experience.
  3. “Friend’: Yes, she is special in many ways and she did help me with something which was a matter of life and death. But when you say to ask her about things outside work. I am not sure what that means.



I think she likes coffee because she is always getting it for me.  So…..maybe I could ask her if she likes _civet coffee? It_ is coffee that includes part-digested coffee cherries eaten and defecated by the Asian palm civet (Paradoxurus hermaphroditus).

Also, did I mention that she is a doctor? I could ask her which is her favourite organ?

  1. Puritanism: Wrong!  Do not be tedious and disappoint me just when I have become accustomed to expecting intelligent replies from you! You will notice from my earlier comments about sex that I find it (or the idea of it) boring and pointless, not filthy and shameful.
  2. Sex toy experiment—it will be ready in a week. Can we plan to meet on 25th Dec? That will give me a good excuse to avoid visiting my parents for Christmas dinner. It will also be easy for me to mask the satellite signal booster I need to use.



P.P.S What instrument do you play in your Quartet?

 

 **From:** Mouse <mouse@toybox.uk>  
**To:** Name <sexdoesntalarmme@whatever.com>  
**Date:** 17th Dec 2018 7.53pm  
**Subject:** re: Irrational holiday cheer

My dear Alarmed, I wasn't sure if I should be offended by your scathing review of my letters!  And then you rate me a 9 over the Compendium of Chemical Forensics and I find it hard to be anything but flattered (even if I'm sure that wasn't your intention!)  Perhaps it's because your books don't reply to you? It's another very one-sided relationship, after all. Much like the Work, you can love books, but they are confined by their text.

And I'm sure many, many people would agree that size matters!  In fact, looking at some of my fellow bloggers, size is also something of a competition!

Your brother (and I'll stop after this, I promise, because I don't relish the idea of someone creeping through our emails!) sounds like someone who doesn't realize that he needs caring.  Maybe he's telling himself it doesn't matter, because it's something he doesn't think he'll ever have? It just sounds terribly lonely to me. I'm sure he has your best interests at heart, but even Cybermen-big-brothers can make mistakes!

I always thought the edible underwear was more of a gimmick than something people genuinely enjoy!  Mainly because most of it tastes like a cross between scotch tape and fruit snacks, and has the texture of wax paper or cling film (how delicious, wouldn't you say?  Ew) And nobody actually wants to be washing smeared pseudo-candy off their bits before they can have sex.

But that might be my background giving me a bias?  Medical school taught me very clearly that sticky sugar and genitals are very rarely a happy combination!  Even if you're only using edible knickers to encourage your partner to eat you, instead!

It's like you're making a list of ways we disagree!  (Not ways that I'm wrong, _that_ is entirely a matter of opinion).  But I'll indulge you anyway!

  1. Caring is a basic human instinct.  It might be inconvenient and painful at times, but that doesn't mean it's optional.  I don't think you're a Cyberman, Alarmed, just afraid to get hurt again. I don't blame you.. sometimes it would be nice if we could turn off the bits that leave us vulnerable.  But even you can't entirely opt out of being human.


  1. I'm not going to argue relative IQ with you!  I know education doesn't equal intelligence! But I wanted to be a doctor, and it's very hard to convince people to let you treat them without a piece of paper that says you won't kill them accidentally!   Which college did you go to?


  1. Yes, Alarmed, because feline defecation is always the easiest path to a woman's heart!  I feel obliged to mention that to you, even though it's still an interesting fact. You have to wonder about the first person who thought, "Oh yes!  This will make wonderful coffee!" Maybe they were another person that liked to experiment on themselves?



But I'll let you in on a little secret?  She's probably bringing you coffee as an expression of care, rather than because she's secretly passionate about coffee.  If you want to break the ice, maybe bring her some next time? (And your random but interesting facts, as well! What you talk about probably isn't as important as the fact that you're actually talking).

  1. Oh my mistake, _boring and pointless_.  That'a a rather critical statement from someone who's never tried it!  Do you have the same opinion of masturbation, or just when it involves multiple people?  You have google, I'm sure you can search up the health benefits of a good orgasm. In fact, one of them is relieving headaches, which should come in handy if you think my reply this time is too long!  :P



You want me to cancel my tentative plans, and spend Christmas day experimenting with dodgy DIY sex toys, instead of going up to Hertfordshire to see my family?  If feels like I'm just encouraging you if I say yes! But you're my friend, Alarmed, and I suppose rescuing you from the Cyberman could be my good deed for the day!

What time, and where?

I play the cello, and I've been teaching myself the violin when I have a little time.  Will you think less of my science, Alarmed, if I admit that I studied Music in university as well?  It was hard to choose between the things I'm passionate about, but at the end I enjoyed playing music more than dissecting it!

I've been staring at the screen for ages, trying to find a way to say that I think... Or, I'm fairly sure, I know who you are.  But I've very much enjoyed... no, I'm enjoying, talking to you. And I don't want things to get strange when we meet. Or strang _er_ , I suppose. You said you were unique, and I believe you.  There isn't room for two Sherlock Holmes in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We love talking to people in the comments, so swing down for a chat!
> 
> 1\. If you want to check out some wonderful sites that are similar to Molly's, and filled with wonderful information, check out https://ohjoysextoy.com & https://heyepiphora.com/ (probably not sites to check out at work, though!)  
> 2\. The book Sherlock mentions is _I Am a Strange Loop_ by Douglas Hofstadter, examining in depth the concept of a strange loop to explain the sense of "I".  
> (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Am_a_Strange_Loop)  
> 3\. Kopi Luwak, or civet coffee, really is made from partially digested coffee cherries.  
> (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kopi_Luwak)


	3. Text Incoming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there is confusion, conflict, and both Alarmed and Mouse get some very good advice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First I just wanted to say a massive **THANK YOU** to everyone who has taken the time to send us a message. With the holidays getting closer everything has been busy busy busy and your enthusiasm gives us life! 💚

**[from:** **_sherlock,_ ** **to:** **_mycroft._ ** **date:** **_17dec18, 9.00pm_ ** **]**

Mycroft.....

 

**[from:** **_mycroft,_ ** **to:** **_sherlock._ ** **date:** **_18dec18, 12.05am_ ** **]**

Brother mine, is everything alright?

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you, but I've been in a meeting with some exceedingly eccentric diplomats with rather outdated views of mobile phones.  

But I'm just leaving the office now, and you have my undivided attention.  What's happened?

 

**[from:** **_sherlock,_ ** **to:** **_mycroft._ ** **date:** **_18dec18, 12.06am_ ** **]**

You took three entire HOURS to reply to my text message?!!

Had the diplomats kept you in a compromising position ? Is the next world war imminent ?!

What do you mean WHAT'S HAPPENED??? As if you have not been reading all my emails!

I need your answer, Mycroft, as a matter of URGENCY.

Even at the eleventh hour it’s not too late, you know. Cars can be ordered, private jets commandeered.

WHAT do I do now??

 

**[from:** **_mycroft,_ ** **to:** **_sherlock._ ** **date:** **_18dec18, 12.10am_ ** **]**

Congratulations, brother mine, you’ve managed a statement that is both entirely accurate (if only in the most literal sense) and completely wrong.  What I have done, is spent three hours getting to a place where I have cell reception.

I believe you were very clear that I “keep my long nose out of your emails”.  

Sherlock, you were already planning to meet her face-to-very publicly recognizable face.  If she didn’t know who you were before, she would then. 

Obviously your celebrity hasn’t scared her off.  Besides, brother, how many women are willing enough, or mad enough, to participate in your experiments?  

 

**[from:** **_sherlock_ ** **, to:** **_mycroft_ ** **. date:** **_18dec18, 12.11am_ ** **]  
**   
Don't pretend that you actually stopped snooping into my emails for one minute !

Even John is starting to ask me who I am emailing and why...ugh.   
  
And are you actually encouraging me to meet this person face-to -face?!   
Knowing that I am the most unpleasant, rude, ignorant and all-round obnoxious arsehole that anyone could possibly have the misfortune to meet ? I am dismissive of the virtuous .... unaware of the beautiful ... ... and uncomprehending in the face of the happy.    
  
All I wanted was information for a case and to conduct an experiment but then I got involved in her emails and she is intelligent and kind....and now here we are. On the edge of doom. This will go the way of all others.   
  
I was enjoying communicating with her and she called herself my friend!!!   
  
Once we meet she is not going to be my friend any more.   
  
Is she ?   
  
I know! What if I ask her to meet me at Bart's ? Then I can ask Molly to talk to her first before she meets me. If she likes Molly then she may be more accepting of who I am.   
  
Mycie?

 

**[from:** **_mycroft_ ** **, to:** **_sherlock_ ** **. date:** **_18dec18, 12.15am_ ** **]  
** **  
** What a fascinating insight into your psyche, brother mine.  And I’d be worried if I genuinely believed a syllable of that self-deprecating rubbish.  Unaware of the beautiful, indeed-- an unfortunate trait for a violinist.

Just because your perception of the world doesn’t fall in line with the rabble and dross doesn’t make it worthless, Lock.  Believe me when I say, without a fragment of doubt, that meeting you face-to-face won’t scare her away. 

She’s a scientist and a musician.  And even when you have been decidedly less than personable, she’s been eager to talk to you.  Not to mention curious about this experiment of yours. Doesn’t that already make her different from the others before?  

She has also managed to suss out your identity.  Do you truly have no idea who she could be?

Now, I know neither of us has made a habit of dating, but a little advice.  While I can follow your logic, having Molly- the woman who has been carrying a candle for you for rather a long time - vet your new love interest?  Could be seen as perhaps a little callous. 

I won’t save the text proof of you listing your shortcomings.  Happy early Christmas, baby brother.

 

**From:** Mouse <mouse@toybox.uk>   
**To:** Name <sexdoesntalarmme@whatever.com>   
**Date:** 18th Dec 2018 7.45pm   
**Subject:** Curiouser and curiouser?

I know I haven't heard back from you, Alarmed, and I'm hoping everything is alright and I haven't scared you away.  But something very odd happened at work today and I was hoping you could shed a little light on it? 

Well, you remember I told you I had a friend that reminded me of you?  Or you reminded me of them, I guess, since I met him first? Anyway, that's not really the point, but he's rather unique, just like you, and yes-- I know that's practically a contradiction in terms, but I'm trying to figure out where to start with what happened!  😊

I was at work (yes, I do have a perfectly normal day job.  Well, not normal, really, but what would a 'normal' job even be?)  and my friend showed up. That's not strange in itself, he's always dropping in unannounced and to be honest?  I really don't mind it. Even when he's got a list of requests, well, demands, a mile long! I like knowing I can help him, and I really enjoy his company.  

I'm not usually very good at just sitting in quiet with people, but it's different with him.  When we're working we can just be in the same space, and it's... nice. Really nice.

Only he came in today, completely out of the blue-- with a cup of coffee.  Which is so strange, Alarmed! Anyway, he said it was for me (me!?) and then set it on the edge of my table.  And then stared at me for a moment (you know, long enough that you start to think you must have something on your face?  And I work in a place that can get a little messy at times!).

Then he left!  That was it! Just turned at left even faster than he'd came in!  I'm certainly not going to drink it, though. I trust him not to hurt me, I do! But I wouldn't put it past him to add a drop of Methylene blue just to gauge my reaction.  Only.. well, then I remember the advice I'd given you. 

What do you think, Alarmed?  Nice gesture, or am I being used as a human guinea pig?

Mouse

 

**[from:** **_sherlock,_ ** **to:** **_mycroft._ ** **date:** **_18dec18, 8.00pm_ ** **]**

What a coincidence that she also has a friend who gave her coffee! I mean, I took coffee for Molly today.

I spoke about civet coffee and how expensive it is and that I thought she might find that an interesting fact. Since she was in the middle of a post mortem I also asked her which was her favourite organ, just to make conversation, ( although I am quite sure it must be the brain.)

I asked her if she would help me with this new friend I want to do an experiment with because I trust her and she understands me.

It turned out that I had said none of these things aloud.

So then I just turned around and left.

But I think Molly won't mind if I ask her to be there when I meet this online person for the experiment.

I don't want to call her to Baker Street or John will take her out on a date even before my experiment is done!

I can't take her to Scotland Yard, obviously and I don't want to bring her to your house.

It has to be Bart's. That's final.

 

**[from:** **_mycroft,_ ** **to:** **_sherlock._ ** **date:** **_18dec18, 8.09pm_ ** **]**

Yes, quite the coincidence, how lazy the universe has become this week. 

In other words, you walked in, thrust a cup of hot liquid at her, and fled. It's a novel new interpretation of courting, I grant you, but I fear you might not want to give away your copy of The Language of Flowers just yet.  Especially as you're bringing favours to one woman, and attempting to arrange a date with another. 

At the same time, and in the same place.  It's a bold strategy, brother mine, even before you take into consideration that you're asking this Mouse to meet you for the first time... in a morgue. 

But never let it be said that I don't have your happiness at heart, Lock.  Tell me the day, and I'll make sure Molly's overly curious boss is somewhere else.  I'm not sure a gouty middle aged man is quite the decoration you're looking for.

 

 **[from:** ** _sherlock,_** **to:** ** _mycroft._** **date:** ** _18dec18, 9.35pm_** **]**

What do you mean 'courting one woman and dating another'?!

Do you run the country with such levels of misinterpretation and obfuscation? No wonder everyone is constantly on the brink of war.

I am doing NEITHER.

I was just being nice to Molly and I am trying to set up an EXPERIMENT with the online person , whose name is Mouse, which is too idiotic to deal with so I call her Not Mouse.

And what is wrong with the morgue? She was a medical student she said. And we need a quiet comfortable space for our experiment.

Also Molly is always there anyway.

It is ideal.

 

**[from:** **_mycroft,_ ** **to:** **_sherlock._ ** **date:** **_19dec18, 1.28am_ ** **]**

Yes, brother, I’m sure it all sounds entirely rational in your head.  But for argument’s sake? Even medical students don’t often think about sex in the middle of a morgue.  

There is a reason that decay and formaldehyde don’t often rank on the list of most common aphrodisiacs.  

However, despite all of that, I have a very strong suspicion that your Mouse won’t be as repulsed or offended as most women would be.  Your luck, brother mine, is astounding-- even when you’re being unfathomably obtuse.

Mummy says you haven’t been returning her calls.  Either make your own excuses, or give me some incentive to do it for you.  Enduring our family without your company is going to be a nightmare. A minor international incident wouldn’t go amiss about now.  

In the spirit of brotherly love, I feel it only right to warn you that our parents are planning to surprise you in London for your birthday.  

 

**[from:** **_molly,_ ** **to:** **_greg._ ** **date:** **_19dec18, 5.42am_ ** **]**

Help.

No, wait!  Tell me you're in Cardiff safely first!  Perhaps you'll be very lucky and the Slitheen will take over your conference?  "Revisiting Forensic Evidence Processing: Challenges and Lessons Learnt" sounds so incredibly boring.  And I'm a pathologist, so that should tell you something!

Toby misses you, and he can't believe I let you blow off our weekly Doctor Who night for a conference. But I think you can bribe your way back into his good graces.  (I'll even put in a word, and some tuna, for you!)

So... I met this guy online?  He sent me a note on my blog, and he needed a little help.

Science help!  Not the other kind! 

Only we started talking, and he's funny, and he's brilliant.  We've been trading emails, and we were talking about meeting up?  So I can help him with an experiment! 

Then I found out that he's someone we know.  And I mentioned it, and now? I haven't heard back, and I don't know what to do.

 

**[from:** **_greg_ ** **to:** **_molly._ ** **date:** **_19dec18, 7.00am_ ** **]**

Hi Molls, reached Cardiff safe and sound. Why just the Slitheen, I would welcome even the Daleks at this point.....'bored to death' is taking on a whole new depth of meaning for me.

Sorry we had to skip our Doctor Who night.  Scratch Toby's belly for me and he will forgive me quicker than a wink 😊

And I will make it up to you with a tub of Ben and Jerry's Half Baked when we meet next week !

About this person you met online and are planning to meet--you've got me a bit confused and worried Molly! We know him? Both of us ??I don't know anyone we know in common who you could possibly meet online anonymously who is also brilliant and funny.

I guess that rules out John ( don't you ever tell him I said so !).

Please, for the love of god, do not tell me it is Mycroft Holmes. I will go very quickly from being bored to death to being frightened to death!

Especially if you sussed him out and now he has gone silent. He is probably gathering the Mossad to get rid of you.

Sorry, that may actually not be a joke!!

I would have said it could be Cyberman....but funny? That is not a word I would associate with them.

I just read your earlier text again an you said he contacted you for science help ? So are you meeting him like....for a date? Or for data ?

( See what I did there?! I could be brilliant and funny too 😛)

Do you want to tell me more or do I have to keep guessing and you keep saying 'wrong' like Sherlock does to me all the time?

Do you want me to call you ?

GL

 

**[from:** **_molly_ ** **to:** **_greg._ ** **date:** **_19dec18, 7.25am_ ** **]**

I know you always say you're going to be fine, but I always worry.  Especially when you're in a place known for Dalek invasions! Keep an eye on the bins, you never know when one of them is going to turn out to be trouble.  You'd be in over your head without your plucky sidekick (and that position is taken, so you better not be looking to find another!)

And yes, we both know him!  I know it's not like either of us has much of a social life, and that probably narrows the list right down.  

It's not John or Mycroft!  (And I'm not supposed to laugh when you're being mean, but I won't tell John what you said!)  I'M not the one who goes pink around ginger politicians with very nice public school accents 😛

No, don't call.  I know you're busy with all this boring conferencing and chasing off intergalactic threats, I don't want to be too much of a distraction.  

Would it help your guessing if I said that you weren't.. entirely... too far off the mark with your Cyberman guess?

 

**[from:** **_sherlock_ ** **to:** **_mycroft_ ** **date:** **_19dec18, 5.00 am_ ** **]**

SEX?! Who said anything about sex?! Of course sex doesn't alarm me, but you have no idea what you are saying.

And you are supposed to be the SMART one.

I TOLD you it is  for an experiment.

And please find some way to put off Mummy from visiting me on my birthday. Why must we indulge in odius celebrations of random events?

Are you sure it wasn't you who put the idea in her head as revenge for me skipping the Christmas dinner?

 

**[from:** **_mycroft_ ** **to:** **_sherlock_ ** **date:** **_19dec18, 5.43 am_ ** **]**

No, you just want to ask someone to let you experiment on them.  With sex toys. Of course the word ‘sex’ in the title is entirely a misleading reference.  My apologies.

Mummy wants to celebrate the birth of her child, it might be tedious but you already knew that she was prone to sentimental outpourings.  Why else would she have kept the Christmas ornaments you made as a child? Tiny Lockie handprints in clay, and pipe cleaner reindeer. And you’re condemning me to endure this alone?

A little respect please, brother mine.  If I wanted revenge, I wouldn’t use our parents as intermediaries.  Or pawns. You can thank me for sparing you by agreeing to take them to The Sound of Music in February.

 

 **[from: greg** **to: molly** ** _._** **date:** ** _19dec18, 11.00am_** **]**

Tea break. Finally !

I am going to need something stronger I think, Molly to deal with your text........( and I am not even going to grace your ginger politician remark with a reply ;)

You said this person wrote to you with a science question and your 'date'  may be more about 'data'.

Well, we recently had a serial killer case where certain sex toys were used and Sherlock went a bit nuts trying to deduce since, not surprisingly, he had no clue about them.

Two days later he came back triumphant and with more information and solved it.

So......I am not sure how to ask you this but........ did he come to  you  for that information and is the Cyberman you want to meet none other than the World's Only Consulting Detective, so help me god?!

Molly sweetheart, I don't have much hair left to turn grey overnight but you are trying really hard....

Do I need to have the 'break her heart and I will break your legs' talk with Sherlock Bloody Holmes?!!

GL

 

**[from:** **_molly_ ** **to:** **_greg._ ** **date:** **_19dec18, 12.08pm_ ** **]**

You don’t have to grace my reply to know that it’s true!  

But.. well, yes.  I mean, you’ve basically figured it all out.  And I didn’t know it was him at first! He was just someone interesting to talk to, and I didn’t mind helping with his questions.  Honestly, he doesn’t know the first thing and he was really struggling!

Only, yes, it did turn out of to be Sherlock (and I needed something stronger than tea when I realized it, too!  Thank goodness I still had that half bottle of rum from last year, I needed the dutch courage to even email him my suspicion.

But he hasn’t written back.  And I’m completely sure I was right because he showed up at work and thrust coffee at me.  But if he was coming to talk or work, why would he bolt like that?! If he’d figured out who I was, why didn’t he say anything?

You have to admit, that’s odd, even for Sherlock.  

And you don’t have to have that conversation with anyone!!  No breaking legs, or threatening to! Why do people think you’re intimidating?  You’re a marshmallow under the grizzled detective routine. 

Defeat the Daleks and the bureaucracy and come home.  (I’ll even help you get rid of all the greys you’re complaining about!  😛 )

 

**From:** Mouse <mouse@toybox.uk>   
**To:** Name <sexdoesntalarmme@whatever.com>   
**Date:** 21st Dec 2018 2.33pm   
**Subject:** Options

Dear Alarmed,

I keep thinking that I should give you more time, but it’s starting to feel like you’re not going to write me back.  A few days radio silence after my deduction seems like more than a coincidence or just bad timing. 

So, I was thinking, you have some options?  Just writing this letter rather proves what I’ve chosen, doesn’t it?  I’ll even put the options in a list so you can compare their relative merits before you decide.  

See?  Learning from you.

  1. We scrub the idea of meeting up, and just stay friends like we are (and we are friends, even if this whole thing has been a strange way to meet).
  2. We meet, and decide it doesn’t work in person.  
  3. We meet, and realize that we get along in person, too.  
  4. You don’t write me back, because you’d rather let it end with a radio silence. 



I’m hoping for #3, no surprise!  But right now, I’d really be happy just knowing you’re alright and I haven’t buggered things up entirely by admitting I know who you are.  

I didn’t think I could get used to talking to someone so quickly, but my inbox seems empty without your new messages.  I miss you, Alarmed. 

And whatever you choose, it’s ok!  I just thought you should know.

Mouse

 

**[from:** **_greg_ ** **to:** **_molly_ ** **date:** **_19dec18, 4.05pm_ ** **]**

Ok, no violence....... but I don't want to see you get hurt! If he gives you  any trouble, I want to know!

And as for my grey hair, no way am I changing the Silver Fox look !! It is considered rather hot, I will have you know 😊

Take care Molly and I really hope it works out well. May the Force be with you.

GL

 

**From:** Name <sexdoesntalarmme@whatever.com>   
**To:** Mouse <mouse@toybox.uk>   
**Date:** 21st Dec 2018 9.45pm   
**Subject:** re: Options

25th Dec 7pm at St. Bart's morgue.

Come if convenient.

If inconvenient, come anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So they have a time, and a date! *cue the ominous cliffhanger music* Will Sherlock discover the identity of his Not Mouse? Tune in next time to find out! 
> 
> 1\. Methylene blue, or methylthioninium chloride, is a completely harmless chemical that will temporarily dye your urine, and the whites of your eyes, bright blue.  
> (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Methylene_blue)
> 
> 2\. The Slitheen, Daleks and Cybermen are all baddies from Doctor Who!


	4. Technical Difficulties

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Queen's speech is unexpectedly interrupted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've gotten some of the best comments and theories from you guys, and your enthusiasm is just blowing me away. Thank you so so much! 
> 
> And now, once more unto the breach!

**_“Please join us at 7pm on Christmas Day, or on BBC Radio 4, for_ ** **_Her Majesty the Queen's Christmas message to the people of the Commonwealth.”_ **

**_“May this Holiday season be one where you will be surrounded by those you love, by those that make you feel joyous, and by those who bring a warming touch to the season…”_ **

[static]

 **_“_ ** **_Oh!  That's a lot harder than I thought it would be!"_ **

[static]

**_“We are currently experiencing some technical difficulties.  Please stand by.”_ **

 

* * *

 

 

 **[from:** **_molly_ ** **to:** **_sherlock_ ** **date:** **_25dec18, 7.15pm_ ** **]**

Oh god, Sherlock, I really thought you knew!  When you said to meet you at my work, I was completely convinced that you'd figured it out and I'm so sorry!  I know that was all sorts of really not good, and really really awkward, but we'll be alright, won't we?

This is just an unexpected hiccup, and I did mean what I said.  I like talking to you, and I like talking to Alarmed, and I really don't want that to all fizzle up just because this has made things weird.

Hi, yes, I'm Molly and I run a blog that almost nobody in my real life knows about, because it would be completely mortifying. But now you know, and it doesn't feel as scary as I thought it would.

The flowers are so beautiful, and so unexpected.  My flat is going to smell like roses and think it’s always going to remind me of you, now!

I'm looking at the toy right now, and I'm still in, if you are. It's not like we have to tell anyone!  It's our experiment, not theirs.

But, well, I've done this for a long time and I've never seen a toy with quite so many moving parts!  I keep feeling like it's going to telescope out and transform into some kind of creature with long, spindly legs. I think it rather needs an instruction manual.. if you still want to carry on?

If you do, please be my Hitchhiker's Guide and explain it to me?

 

 **[from:** **_sherlock_ ** **to:** **_mycroft._ ** **date: 25** **_dec18, 7.15 pm_ ** **]**

Mycroft !!! How could you not tell me ??!!

I....I can't even think right now. What do I do ??? What have I done ?!!

 

 **[from:** **_mycroft_ ** **to:** **_sherlock._ ** **date:** **_25dec18, 7.18 pm_ ** **]**

The next time you decide to indulge in a little satellite piracy, kindly make sure it isn’t during the middle of the Christmas address.  Neither Her Majesty, or the gathered nation, needs to hear a girlish exclamation about how hard something is!

I don’t want details, and I don’t want excuses.  If you try that again, brother mine, I’ll happily march you to some miserable corner of the bloody Commonwealth, where you’ll have nothing to occupy your mind but counting the seagulls.  Do we have an understanding?

As for your ‘Mouse’, I quote you:  Keep your long nose out of my emails.

If you had asked, instead of presuming your brilliance was infallible, perhaps you would have had a little warning.  Instead, you assumed everything and observed nothing.

I did try to make it obvious that I was aware of the identity of your mysterious correspondent.

Now, if that quite answers your question, I have a deeply disturbed royal family, and a furious secret service, that would currently like nothing more than to extract their pound of flesh from the saboteur.  As the blithering idiot in question is my baby brother, I would rather avoid the Yuletide bloodshed.

And before you dare say that you planned this?  Don’t. When I said I hoped for an excuse to escape Mummy’s, we both know this isn’t what I meant

 

 **[from:** **_mycroft_ ** **to:** **_sherlock._ ** **date:** **_25dec18, 7.45 pm_ ** **]**

You calm down, and remember that she cares for you.  

The only development is that you know more about someone who was already your friend.  

Molly hasn’t changed, only your perception of the data.  Try not to fret, Lock. She's probably as confused and unsure as you are.

 

 **[from:** **_greg_ ** **to:** **_molly._ ** **date: 25** **_dec18, 7.45pm_ ** **]**

Hey Molls, didn't want to disturb you today cos you have this hot date with the genius but I was sitting with my mum watching our Queen on the telly........and then her speech got interrupted with a giggly  young woman saying breathlessly 'Oh it's harder than I expected.'

I don't think the Royal 'We' will be amused, though my mum and I were laughing till we had tears streaming down our cheeks.

Feel free to whack me later if I am wrong, but honestly, I would swear up street and down that it sounded just like you .......and knowing Sherlock's capacity for doing something like this......especially since it is guaranteed to piss off Mycroft royally, I have to ask......was that you ?!!

Are you in one piece ??!

And what the HELL were the two of you up to ?? Please don't tell me you were ....you know...doing things in the Palace ?!!

GL

 

 **[from:** **_molly_ ** **to:** **_greg._ ** **date: 25** **_dec18, 7.56pm_ ** **]**

OH MY GOD.

I’m going to kill him!  Or Mycroft is going to kill both of us.  And of course I wasn’t in the palace, I wouldn’t!

Mycroft is going to make me disappear and I’m never going to be seen again!

And if he doesn’t kill Sherlock, I might do it for him!

If he knew.  

And it wasn’t what it sounded like, I swear!  I mean, I was just holding this thing he’s been working on, and he showed me how to switch it on (it’s a Sherlock contraption, you know it’s going to be well complicated!)

It was a lot harder vibration than I thought it would have!  That’s really all it was, I swear!

Greg, if Sherlock planned this, you’re going to have to find a new detective!

Oh God, oh God…

And don’t you dare tell your Mum it was me!  I’m having tea with her next week and I won’t be able to look her in the eye!

What about my Mum?!  Or my brothers and sisters?!

Maybe I should leave the country.  That seems like a very good idea right now!

 

 **[from:** **_greg_ ** **to:** **_molly._ ** **date: 25** **_dec18, 8.15pm_ ** **]**

Molly, I am laughing so much right now I can barely type......

Seriously?! You were holding a vibrating contraption invented by Sherlock ? That was harder than you expected...... 😂

Can you do me a HUGE favour and NOT tell me any details of your future dates ever....please !!

Assuming there are future dates.....

Poor Mycroft !! I think this would be a good excuse for me to message him and offer him a shoulder to cry on ?!! He is going to need every ounce of his diplomatic skills to smooth this over.....

Anyway, the most important question here is --did you have a fun date?!

GL

 

 **[from:** **_greg_ ** **to:** **_molly._ ** **date: 25** **_dec18, 8.17pm_ ** **]**

Didn't tell my mum anything , so don't worry, you can enjoy her scones and jam and cream tea next week without any cringing 😀

I am not sure if I will be able to keep a straight face the next time we meet up though :P

GL

 

 **[from:** **_molly_ ** **to:** **_greg._ ** **date: 25** **_dec18, 8.24pm_ ** **]**

You're beastly, Gregory Lestrade!  Poor Mycroft, indeed! And when your best friend is going to have to go into hiding in Wyoming, or somewhere with an equally odd name, where nobody will think to look for me!

I'll forgive you, but only because it proves my point about you having a certain ginger politician on the brain 😛   So yes, you should text him, I've been telling you that for months!

Something good had to come out of my complete and utter mortification.

It wasn't a date!  I'm not even sure what it was.  He sort of came in, and I thought he'd figured it out, and he really hadn't, and everything went a bit pear shaped after that.  I still haven't heard from him.. but I suppose I will eventually, won't I? He's not going to let something stop The Work, and he refuses to deal with any of the other pathologists a Barts.  

And if we do have another NOT-date?  I promise, all the gory details, just for you.

 

 **[from: _sherlock_** **to: _mycroft_** **date:** ** _25dec18, 9.00 pm_** **]**

Sorry Mycie. I really didn't expect that to happen.

I was also a bit nervous when Mouse turned out to be Molly. But she still wanted to see my invention..... so of course I needed to demonstrate and......well, it won't happen again.

She probably doesn't want to see me ever again anyway......

 

 **[from: _sherlock_** **to: _mycroft_** **date:** ** _25dec18, 9.02 pm_** **]**

But I did get you out of dinner with Mummy :P

 

 **[from: _sherlock_** **to: _mycroft_** **date:** ** _25dec18, 9.03 pm_** **]**

Oh, there is a message from Molly. She does want to carry on with the experiment!!!

Should I agree to ?

What if something goes wrong again....

I have already lost Mouse....what if I also lose Molly ?

 

 **[from:** **_mycroft_ ** **to:** **_sherlock_ ** **date:** **_25dec18, 9.08 pm_ ** **]**

I know, brother mine.  You're a menace to public security and my cardiac health; but you are, in fact, my menace.  

A glass of very excellent single malt, and the memory of Aunt Rosemary turning a peculiar shade of plum when the broadcast was interrupted, is making me feel rather magnanimous.  You can thank me for saving you from exile (I believe one of my colleagues suggested Wales. Should you ever attempt this again, there's a shack on Bardsey Island awaiting you) by taking our parents to Fiddler on the Roof when they descend on London for your birthday.  Yes, this is in addition to The Sound of Music in February. They're going to be so thrilled to see you.

However, calamity averted, and the people will have something to gossip about for a few weeks.

I'm aware this is rather out of your depth, but do remember that Molly knew who you were before you arrived tonight.  You trusted her to help facilitate your death, give her a little credit now. You're not going to lose her, Lock. Of that I am entirely certain.  

Things will go wrong, that's the nature of the world, baby brother.  But not every wrong is a catastrophe. And nothing here is damaged beyond repairing.

Calm yourself, and send her a message.  You'll feel better when you see for yourself that you haven't lost her.

 

 **From:** Name < sexdoesntalarmme@whatever.com >  
**To:** Mouse < mouse@toybox.uk >  
**Date:** 26th Dec 2018 5.45am  
**Subject:** Experiment

Not Mouse,

Very few things surprise me since I am able to deduce almost everything…. But you truly lived up to the name I call you by ………and then left me as alarmed as the name you call me by.

Fascinating.

Although I did diagnose you as being intelligent and kind and a doctor, somehow I was unable to figure your identity.  After Irene, you are probably the only one who has managed to outwit me, though I do recognize that perhaps you did not do so purposefully.

My brother is also rather pleased with you since it proves to him that he is indeed the smart one.

These quibbles apart, I usually prefer texting but somehow I have been finding it easier to email you, Not Mouse, than text Molly, so if you are amenable then I would be able to communicate the instructions for the thing in this manner.

We do need to give the ‘thing’ a name and since you are clearly vastly more experienced at this than I am, you should do the honours.

Since we did not get to discuss the specifics of its functioning let me clarify that it is not meant to be used in isolation but with the enabling environment of other things including roses (which by any other name would smell just as sweet. This is not romantic as you may suspect, merely logical. Why would a flower change its smell because humans decided to call it by some name in a language they invented to help them categorize the world around them?? It’s ludicrous what sentiment can do.)

I wonder if rambling is contagious since I seem to have completely lost track of that earlier sentence. I am quite sure I never do that with anyone else of my acquaintance…….. Or should I say friendship……? But I am still rather uncertain as to the status of our relationship.

Or perhaps I should say I am even more uncertain that I was before…….

Let me get back to making a list. Mycroft used to always go on about there will ALWAYS be a list. The context is not valid anymore so I shall not bore you with the details. Suffice to say, here is a list:

  1. Use ‘thing’ in an enabling environment. Flowers that look and smell good are a must. Roses, ambrosias, sweet pea, gardenia, jasmine are all fragrant. You can also have flowers that have an aesthetically pleasing visual appeal like primrose, red tulips, irises, daffodils.



If you are unable to obtain these, I will arrange to send some to you as per our schedule.

  1. Eat something with real flavours. Sweet is preferred. Some may like umami. Sour and spicy are probably avoidable. I shall send you a chart in which you can enter the different foods and the outcome, rated on a scale of 1-10.



With 1 being indifferent or boring and 10 being……..well stage 1 of the Masters and Johnson stages of arousal, as explained rather well on your website in the Science of Sex section.

Let me know what you would like and I can have a hamper sent to you.

  1. Listen to music at a comfortable volume while doing so. You may have your own collection of music since you play as well as learn. I would be willing to send you some of my own recordings and even a composition I made for Not Mouse as part of the experiment. I called it Revelations.



Again, you can rate all these on the same chart and eventually we can cross tabulate and find the perfect match.

Does this sound acceptable?

If yes then I will send you further instructions once I hear from you.

SH

P.S. In case you do hear from my brother (you know Mycroft) just ignore him. There was some technical glitch in the satellite signal that day and he may be rather more annoyed than he always is with me. But it’s not your fault, so do not let it worry you.

P.P.S I will be meeting Molly at Bart’s and working with her as usual in case you were wondering. It is what it is.

P.P.P.S Let’s keep this experiment under wraps, so to speak. John doesn’t know and no one else needs to.

 

 **From:** Mouse < mouse@toybox.uk >  
**To:** Name < sexdoesntalarmme@whatever.com >  
**Date:** 26th Dec 2018 6.32am  
**Subject:** Experiment

I can't tell you what a relief it is to hear from you, I was afraid this was just going to be more trouble than you were willing to take on! But yes, of course I'm amenable!  

I'm a little afraid of sounding odd or over eager, and I keep reading my sentences and deleting them, or changing them, and it's not actually making this letter any easier to write.  I know we can't just magically turn things back the way they were, and truthfully, Sherlock? Alarmed? I'm not sure I'd want to. I know things aren't especially amazing between us right now, but I'm crossing all my fingers and toes and-

Well, not literally, of course.  Metaphorical fingers and toes. Though I suppose that isn't really much better!

Really, what I'm trying to say, in the most roundabout way, is that being your friend (and of course we are!  What a thing to say! You are my friend.  And I'm yours) is worth getting through this awkward stage.  And if that means keeping Mouse and Alarmed separate from Molly and Sherlock for now?  That's completely ok! You're still here, that's the important thing to me.

It is easier to talk over email, though.  In person I get so... well, you know what I'm like.  I can't just edit and delete out of the stupid things when I'm talking to you in person.  

I've never named a toy before!  Laughed at some of the awful ones, sure, but named it?  Is it very awful if I'm tempted to name it "The Queen"? It does seem only fitting!

  1. You want me to romance myself before trying to use this thing?  Of course you know I'm going to have to try it in a completely mundane situation as well, otherwise we'll never know if it's the mood or the toy that's more effective!  It's both a baseline for the experiment, but there are a lot of women that don't want to go to all that trouble, so we could see if it works for them as well? Sometimes people just want a nice orgasm after a really rubbish day, and getting flowers and music and all of that would seem more like work than pleasure.  



Not that it's a bad idea, it isn't!  I've just been sent this awful thing to review, and the manual seems to think that all women are idiots.  The next undergraduate engineer that tries to 'helpfully' explain how women are 'supposed to orgasm' might just end up as one of your cases.  I promise to try and make it interesting, and you can astound Sally with your insight into the female psyche! (Greg will probably guess you talked to me, but it would be worth it to see the look on her face!)

Sorry, right, now I'm the one rambling on.

  1. Food that tastes good, or are you playing chemist with aphrodisiacs?  Because chocolate and figs are rather nice, but I'm drawing the line at oysters!  I know they're supposed to be arousing, but they really just look like an unfortunate autopsy discovery to me.  Pomegranates are nice, as well, but hard to find this time of year. I prefer sweets myself, but you mentioned avoiding spices?  Capsaicin raises your heart rate and the burning releases endorphins.



Which do you like better?  I mean, sweet, salty, spicy?  I never usually see you eat!

  1. You have this Thing keyed to music, or is it just for ambiance?  It would give me a reason to spend more time practicing! I'm supposed to be learning Barber's cello concerto, but things at work have been so hectic.  Of course I want to listen to your composition, you know I love to hear you play! And it's a very new way to feel the music!



Oh!  Sorry, yes, off topic.. but I need to restring my violin and I can't decide between metal or synthetic?   I tried asking the violinist in my quartet, but they were completely unhelpful.

  1. I keep looking at the Thing, and I can't believe you made it in yellow!  Even if it doesn't work, it's the happiest looking vibrator in my collection.  Companies never use yellow!



I heard about the glitch!  Greg texted me in hysterics because he recognized my voice.  I'm still waiting for your brother to send a lot of men in black coats to have me taken away.   The only silver lining is that it's giving him an excuse to call Mycroft to 'comfort him'. Moral support for everything you put them through!  

PS: I finally collected all the left ears you wanted.

PPS:  Greg already knows about the experiment, but he doesn’t want any details!  I won’t tell him anything else. Sorry! But he’s my best friend and I needed to talk to someone about what was happening when you went silent on me. I was just a bit worried!

 

 **[from: _Gregory_** **to: _Mycroft Holmes_** **date: 26** ** _dec18, 11.05 am_** **]**

Hello Mycroft,

It’s been a while since we have had to communicate over Sherlock. ( and thank goodness for that)

But I heard about what happened yesterday and was just wondering if you needed someone to let out steam to!

I know that on your usual scale of disasters this is probably just a playground scrape but in case you needed to chat with someone, give me a shout and we can get together for drinks if you like!

You must be terribly busy so don’t worry if you can’t or don’t want to. It’s all ok. Just wanted to let you know that I am around.

Trust Sherlock to do something like this, right?! He truly is a royal pain ;)

Gregory

 

 **[from:** **_Mycroft_ ** **to:** **_Gregory Lestrade_ ** **date: 26** **_dec18, 11.49 am_ ** **]**

Gregory... I should have known you would realize it was my brother behind the chaos yesterday.  For a boy so dedicated to doing his own dirty work, he is rather fond of expecting us to clean up after him, wouldn't you agree?  I hope that Molly isn't entirely mortified by the whole ordeal.

Life is certainly never dull when Sherlock gets it into his mind to begin a new course of study, but he's usually better about not involving other people (myself excluded, apparently elder brothers are more akin to lab rats than people) in his Henry Jekyll moments of madness.  For what it's worth, it genuinely was an accident.

One might suggest to Molly, if she was in search of some light reading, to find a copy of the Language of Flowers.  It's quite an illuminating read.. you aught to mention it to her.

In fact, quite conveniently, I'm not busy.  If you were still available, of course. I go out so infrequently, and my club is rather a poor place for conversation, so I shall leave our destination in your entirely capable hands.

Mycroft

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, we absolutely love hearing from you, so swing down to the comments for a chat!
> 
> 1\. Masters and Johnson pioneered research into human sexual response and disorders.  
> (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Masters_and_Johnson)
> 
> 2\. The Barber Cello Concerto is a complex arrangement for a solo cello, backed by an orchestra.  
> (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1znYukzFUVM)
> 
> 3\. The Language of Flowers, or Floriography, is a way of sending secret messages through flowers.  
> (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Language_of_flowers) 
> 
> Sherlock's suggestions mean:  
> AMBROSIA - Your Love is Reciprocated  
> DAFFODIL - You're the Only One; The Sun is Always Shining When I'm with You  
> GARDENIA - You're Lovely: Secret Love  
> IRIS - Your Friendship Means So Much to Me; Faith; Hope; Wisdom and Valour;  
> PRIMROSE - I Can't Live Without You  
> ROSE Red - Love, Respect  
> SWEET PEA - Blissful Pleasure; Thank You for a Lovely Time  
> TULIP Red - Believe Me; Declaration of Love


	5. Routine System Maintenance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which plans are made, and there is much flailing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like the chapter summary says, here there be a lot of shuffling around! We've also officially added the Mystrade tag to the fic, so they won't be vanishing any time soon!

**From:** Name < sexdoesntalarmme@whatever.com > ****  
**To:** Mouse < mouse@toybox.uk >  
**Date:** 26th Dec 2018 10.00 am **  
** **Subject:** re: Experiment

Not Mouse,

First and most important, let me see your violin and then advise you on the strings. I use bespoke strings from Damian and would always recommend gut over steel but it depends on what level you are playing at and the instrument.

Your suggestion to be able to use the Thing ( and if I want Mycroft’s forgiveness I think the name you have suggested for it may be rather counter- productive….so keep thinking till you find a more suitable one. Till then Thing it is.)

Once again I have lost track of my sentence. I am beginning to appreciate what happens to my friend at Bart’s when she starts talking to me and ends up saying long winded sentences like this……

As I was saying, your suggestion to be able to use the Thing without any of the environmental facilitators is indeed a valid one and could be observation zero, since of course the scale should, in order to be scientifically valid, have a score of the use without any other stimuli.

However, that is only one data set and perhaps you can do that on your own with the instructions I will send in a subsequent email. But then we do need data sets using the other variables, in a controlled manner, in order to validate the utility of said device.

So, if you are amenable, I would suggest we arrange for a series of in –person meetings, perhaps at your flat so that you can be more comfortable and I will bring the different combinations of foods and flowers and then we can include the music as per our agreement on each day. I do have the Thing keyed to respond to music but as you are aware the entire apparatus is still in the testing stages and we will need to figure it out.

I can see from the work rota I found on the Pathology Department internal website, that your work schedule this month does not include late shift on Fridays. So would that be a day we could identify as suitable for data collection over January? Perhaps at 7 pm every Friday?

P.S. Who is Greg?

P.P.S I was going to send the flowers and food to you with one of the homeless network persons but Lestrade heard me making those arrangements and he growled at me and called me an idiot. Me? An idiot??! The things I have to tolerate to help the Yard with their cases. Then he insisted that if the ‘stuff has to reach Molly better do it in person lad.” Do you think he also knows something? I think Mycroft may have talked to him.

P.P.S I will collect the left ears later today. Keep them in the usual place so I don’t have to wait if you are busy.

 

 **[from:** **_greg_ ** **to:** **_molly_ ** **date: 26** **_dec18, 11.56 am_ ** **]**

Molly….looks like it’s my turn to ask for help now! I did it!! I asked Mycroft Holmes out for drinks ….and he said YES!!!

And he asked ME to pick the spot…..and honestly we HAVE to meet this evening or I will completely lose my courage and cancel on him.

There was this fancy place I had seen when I had gone undercover shadowing the new MP Lord Urqhart. It’s called Bombay Brasserie. I also googled a list of the best bars and it shows up on top. So I guess it would suit Mycroft’s tastes wouldn’t it? And also I would feel less intimidated there since I have been there before. The other places on the list sound too posh for me to turn up there outside of work. I mean, I am happy to walk in and question or arrest folks there :) but to sit and order drinks….that too with Mycroft….it’s giving me the shivers already!!

Oh my god….what have I done Molly?! What if we have nothing to talk about? What if he realizes I am just a boring old copper with his best years behind him….and I look way older than him and _jesus_ ….he is totally out of my league ……ugh…I want to just 'facepalm' as my niece says, and then run away.

I think I will join you in Wyoming or even further if you like….I think Indonesia is sounding good……or even Antarctica. Oh there was that mission on Mars…do you think it is too late to sign up for it? I mean, I am sure they need law enforcement on the new colony too….……

Greg

 

 **[from:** **_greg_ ** **to:** **_molly_ ** **date: 26** **_dec18, 11.58 am_ ** **]**

Molly---I forgot to mention that he is far from mad at you, so no making you disappear.

Also, for some reason he said to recommend that you check out a book --The Language of Flowers. No idea what he meant by that, but now that you are ‘NOT-dating’ his brother I guess you may know what he is talking about.

But don’t get distracted by that before rescuing me from my dilemma!!! And quick!! Cos I need to meet him this evening after work!

Greg

 

 **[from:** **_molly_ ** **to:** **_greg_ ** **date: 26** **_dec18, 12.47 pm_ ** **]**

Of course he said yes!  You were the only one that was afraid the wouldn't!  Greg, you're going to have a great time, it'll be fine, you'll see.  

This is Mycroft we're talking about, if he didn't want to see you, he'd make some sort of excuse to get out of it.  Especially with the UN delegates meeting coming up, I bet he's been worked off his feet!

And you need to stop looking at yourself like that, what happened to Silver Fox?!  You're handsome, and funny, and as your best friend I'm also completely biased, and obligated to tell you when you're being awful.  Which you almost never are! He likes you, I'm completely sure of it, and it's not like a blind date! You've known him for ages, and been pining away for almost as long.

So brush your teeth, please please please don't wear that blue checkered shirt, it makes you like like a kid's tv presenter!  And go have a good time before you actually do talk yourself out of it!

The Language of Flowers?  I do know what it is, but... Well, Sherlock did give me flowers, and a whole list of them, and do you think Mycroft is hinting at something?  Oh but don't talk to me about it! We'll get side tracked and you'll start finding nervous-Greg reasons to cancel on him.

There's Holmes to the left of us, Holmes to the right-- and here I am, stuck in the middle with you!

 

 **[from:** **_Gregory_ ** **to:** **_Mycroft_ ** **date: 26** **_dec18, 1.05pm_ ** **]**

Hello Mycroft,

Yes, Sherlock is truly one lucky young man to have someone like you looking out for him. I don’t have to tell you how glad I am that the days of him needing me during his difficult times seem to be over.

I am not sure I know any places where you would be comfortable, to tell you the truth, and the older I get the more noisy pubs bother me. I would have said let’s hang out at my place and have a quiet evening but I don’t want to sound presumptuous ( not to mention which the deep house cleaning required will need more notice than we have now !!).

Should we meet at the Bombay Brasserie? It comes highly recommended and has private spaces where we can have a comfortable chat without being overheard. I can get there by 7pm after work.

Let me know.

Gregory

 

 **[from** **_: greg to: molly_ ** **date: 26** **_dec18, 1.15 pm_ ** **]**

Thanks but now I am even more worried…..what if he decides that it wasn’t worth missing his free time during such a busy week….what if he gets bored?! What if we have nothing to say to each other besides Sherlock’s antics?!!

And yes, I will brush teeth and floss and also gargle Dr. Hooper, because clearly sitting three feet away from each other and having drinks across a table needs that level of oral hygiene LOL. Don’t get your (and my!) hopes up…..

By the way, did you just diss my favourite shirt?! I always thought it brought out my boyish charm and made me look decades younger. Given the track record of children’s programme presenters at the BBC, clearly it has been sending out the wrong messages.  Huh.

Surrounded by the Holmes brothers….well it’s not a new thing for us really is it?! Let’s face it. They have always been a very big and important (and interesting even if sometimes in a drive-us-up-the-wall way….) part of our lives for years. And we wouldn’t have it any other way.

It’s just a shift in perspective….evolving relationships and all that…….I am trying to stay zen through all this as you can see. Greg aka Dalai Lama meets Mycroft aka Iceman.

Will keep you posted once it’s done…wish me luck :)

Greg

 

 **[from:** **_Mycroft_ ** **to:** **_Gregory_ ** **date: 26** **_dec18, 2.18pm_ ** **]**

Gregory,

I think we all share that sentiment.  It was difficult for all of us, and I think I'm too old to be haring around the city searching for baby brother these days.  Of course, with his better behaviour, I've have less chance to see you recently.. I'm rather glad you decided to text me. At the risk of sounding unforgivably sentimental, it's hard to believe that we've known each other this long.

The Brasserie sound entirely fine, I'll meet you at 7.

But really, Gregory, deep cleaning just to see me?  I'd hardly be visiting you for the quality of your housekeeping!  But, of course, we could always meet at my house in the future if you wanted somewhere quiet to talk?  Contrary to popular belief, I don't, in fact, live in a moldering gothic edifice at the edge of the city.  It's almost entirely bat free, and has only a very small dungeon.

Barring fire, flood, calamity, or act of Sherlock, I'll see you at 7.

 

 **[from:** **_Gregory to: Mycroft_ ** **date: 26** **_dec18, 3.00pm_ ** **]**

Hello Mycroft,

Yes, we have known each other for a very long time indeed! And lived to tell the tale.

Let us hope that if things work out with Sherlock and his partner-in-experiments, he will have someone else keeping him safe and healthy (and I dare hope even happy) in the years to come.

I did think of contacting you earlier but you know how life gets in the way of plans….and well, it sounds odd to say it, but I figured that maybe you always associated me only with Sherlock’s bad days and wouldn’t really want to meet up outside of it and be reminded of that.

Well, I am glad that we are catching up now and I will see you at the Brasserie at 7 pm

Although I am  almost tempted to shift the venue to your place today itself.

I mean a small bat-free dungeon? It does sound like the perfect place for a date!

Gregory

 

 **[from:** **_Gregory to: Mycroft_ ** **date: 26** **_dec18, 3.01pm_ ** **]**

Mycroft,

Is this one of those cases where least said is soonest mended?!

Was just joking about it being a date.

See you at 7 pm.

Gregory

 

 **From:** Mouse <mouse@toybox.uk>   ****  
**To:** Name <sexdoesntalarmme@whatever.com>  
**Date:** 26th Dec 2018 3.26 pm **  
** **Subject:** re: Experiment

Somehow, Alarmed, I’m not all that surprised that you use handcrafted traditional strings!  But those are both well outside both my price range and need. It seems a little strange to put bespoke strings on a second hand instrument. And especially when I’m still trying to wrap my mind around the different fingering!  It’s all just muscle memory, but with the cello you lean on your index and pinky fingers, and with the violin it’s index and middle.

It’s getting easier, but you should have heard the awful sounds I made at first!  My poor neighbours have probably never looked at the violin the same way again!

Sorry, yes though, right!  The experiment.

Nobody is immune to rambling, Alarmed!  Not even you, and not even over text! If only our fingers worked as fast as our brains, maybe it would be easier.  But yes, of course, I have a little time so I’ll do my best to get you a baseline test for your experiment.

It sounds so sterile when I say it like that, though!  Maybe it’s because I work in a morgue? Or because university sucked the life out of everything?  (Oh that wasn’t an intention pun, but I think I’m going to leave it in anyway, just to make you groan when you read it!)  but the latex gloves and medical fetish doesn’t really do much for me!

Do you think that’s odd, or normal for people with a hard science background?  The allure of nitrile fades after a while!

Like a regular date, every Friday?  I mean, yes of course, that’s fine! But are you sure?  I know you were uncomfortable with this before, and if we’re in person you won’t be able to imagine that I’m someone else.  Just, maybe think about it?

I don’t want to make this any stranger for you than it already is.

Greg Lestrade!  The man you see all the time!  And I’m sure your brother was talking to him, yes!  Very very sure. Entirely and completely sure. But that’s between them!  Plus, because Mycroft told Greg to recommend a book to me. The language of flowers?  

I think they’re both being sneaky!  

 

 **[from:** **_Molly_ ** **to:** **_Sherlock_ ** **date: 26** **_dec18, 4.32pm_ ** **]**

I know you said not to text you, but finding my legs is going to be a challenge, and finding my laptop is completely impossible!  You need to either turn down the motor on the Cheerful Yellow Thing, or add some lower settings. Probably the lower settings!

I mean, strong is good.. I've reviewed enough weak little vibrators to last me a few lifetimes.. but this?  It's strong enough through knickers and tights.

And jeans.  

I'm not sure what you'll make of that data, but I know I'm going to keep water nearby when I test it again.

 

 **[from:** **_Sherlock to: Molly_ ** **date: 26** **_dec18, 5.00pm_ ** **]**

Molly.......what the HELL am I supposed to say to that ?!

Did you run with it on the treadmill!? Why did it make your legs weak? Why do you need water??

I have no idea what happens in sex....I thought I had told Mouse.

I mean I KNOW what is SUPPOSED to happen and which man parts go into what woman parts and how....and the four stages and all the science. But ....well, Mycroft was right. As usual >:(

When I said sex doesn't alarm me, he asked me how would you know.....

SH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing like a little flailing Detective to round off a chapter! We live on comments, so swing down and have a chat!
> 
> 1\. The Bombay Brasserie is in Kensington, and “Recently completely refurbished and now featuring a mesmerising central fireplace, plush armchairs and walls richly adorned with exquisite and fascinating images of the Raj, the Bombay Bar is the perfect place to meet before you eat.”  
> (http://www.bombayb.co.uk/bombay-bar)
> 
> 2\. Damian Dlugolecki - Dlugolecki's strings are considered by many to be some of the finest gut strings on the market. He makes his strings both varnished and unvarnished upon request. Varnished strings are great for players that live in humid climates or who have a harder time keeping the fingerboard dry. Dlugolecki strings stretch very quickly and have a great response. Players are able to request custom gauges when ordering, unlike ordering from a string distributor where there are hardly any options (if any) to specify a gauge size for gut strings.  
> (https://www.violinist.com/wiki/violin-strings/)
> 
> 3\. Greg is referring to the Jimmy Saville sex offence case.  
> (https://edition.cnn.com/2013/01/11/world/europe/uk-savile-sex-abuse/index.html)


	6. Updates Available

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which things are sorted, and we reach the end of the year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who has stuck with us for this fic, we've absolutely loved reading all of your comments and hearing your speculations! 
> 
> We know this chapter is a little later than we'd expected, but Christmas is always crazy for everyone. 
> 
> And now, on to the conclusion!

**Misadventures in Reviewland**

**[...]** People love to assume that sex toy reviewers live a charmed and glamorous life.  Laying on a yacht somewhere, our bodies bared to the Gods and glistening in a fine layer of sweat and lube.  

Or that we have sprawling, canopied beds with the finest of silk curtains and dense piles of pillows, jewel toned and hand sewn by Tibetan monks.

I hate to disappoint all of you, but I don't have a single Tibetan pillow, and the only curtains in my bedroom are from ASDA.  They're heavy and utilitarian, but they keep out the sun-- and when I'm working nights, that's all I care about!

My sheets are equally plain, and currently printed with tiny bees.  I love them, but they're hardly luxurious. 

No, usually my reviewing life consists of coming home after work, and wondering if I have the energy to cook, much less drag my notepad and newest acquisition to bed.  (For those of you who asked why I don't take notes on my laptop? I do sometimes! But mostly it just too much trouble trying not to get lube on the keyboard!)

Sometimes the toy wins, especially if it's really different!  But most of the time, it's leftovers and trying to stay awake through the newest episode of QI.  Sometimes with a glass of wine, if I'm feeling very decadent.

But recently I was sent a toy to try.  Something new, and strange (as many prototypes are!)  and in a glorious shade of bright yellow that makes me so happy whenever I look at it.

I don't usually try prototypes, but the inventor is a dear friend, so please please don't send in your experimental designs!  

From the first time I turned it on, this toy seemed determined to settle the ancient question that's plagued the toy industry since Cleopatra was filling gourds with bees:

Is stronger really better?

This thing is a cross between an overclocked Hitachi and a ... Well, jackhammer might be pushing it, but it certainly feels like it!  This is a toy that intends to get you off, whether you like it or not. It's loud and assertive, and even through a pair of jeans?

Yes, I went and got a pair of jeans just to test it, after my pajama bottoms did nothing to stop its' determination!

Well, I'm not sure I've entirely decided if this powerful is right for me, but I think I'm going to have a lot of fun trying to figure that out!

Now I really aught to go feed the cat.. but I wonder, what would my readers name a bright yellow, ultra powerful vibrator?

_                 #adayinthelife  #firstimpressions  #itsYELLOW! #weneedmoreyellowtoys _

 

* * *

 

**[from** **_: sherlock to: mycroft_ ** **date: 26** **_dec18, 6.15 pm_ ** **]**

I took flowers for her. I think she saw me going to her building but I left them outside her door and went back. I don’t know how to do this Mycie. I want to and don’t want to meet her at the same time.

You were right. As usual.

Caring is not an advantage.

 

**[from:** **_mycroft_ ** **to:** **_sherlock_ ** **date:** **_26dec18, 8:43pm_ ** **]**

That we are brilliant, compared to the average goldfish, is an undeniable.  But to assume that makes us infallible? Well, brother mine, pride goeth before the fall; and I have no intention of succumbing to such a mundane fate.

It was a mantra created to keep us both safe from harm -- but perhaps we’ve both taken it too much to heart.  You like her. And there are few people in the world who are equipped, or willing, to deal with our idiosyncrasies.  

You’re confused and uncomfortable because this is out of your experience.  And because you’ve been skewing the results of your own experiment, instead of looking at them for what they are.  You’re a scientist, Lockie, don’t let your confirmation bias taint the work.

In a world populated heavily by simpletons and lackwits, you’ve met a woman you seem to find more intriguing as time passes.  Who isn’t repulsed by your work, or your frequent demands for unpleasant bits of cadavers. You invented excuses to continue talking to her, even when your initial case had been solved.

And most tellingly, someone you felt compelled to bring gifts of flowers and fruit.  Psychologists would surely see that as an unconscious effort to prove that you are a worthy provider, or some other pseudo-scientific rubbish.  

What I see, is that you’ve taken the time to consider what would make this experience more pleasurable for her.  

Dearest, you are the only one trying to sort Mouse and Molly into separate compartments.  And the same traits you found so intriguing in Mouse, are actually facets of Molly that you had never noticed before.  

We are none of us getting any younger.  And eventually, she will meet someone worth accepting second best for.  

Your happiness is the most important thing to me, Lockie.  Whatever you choose, you have my support.

 

**[from:** **_Sherlock_ ** **to:** **_Mycroft_ ** **date:** **_26dec18, 9.00pm_ ** **]**

Mycie, I don’t know how to say this but thank you…...and perhaps in the new year I would like to get to know you better too.

All those years that you went away to University and I resented you for abandoning me.....but you have always been there for me. And difficult as it is for me to say this, and probably would never manage to do it in person, it is possible to say it here-- your happiness is important to me too.

 

**[from** **_: sherlock to: molly_ ** **date: 26** **_dec18, 8.57pm_ ** **]**

Molly,

I hope you found the daffodils and the cherries.

Lestrade will be pleased to know that I brought them over myself although…..I was not able to wait till you opened the door.

It has become very troublesome for me to carry on with the Work since this experiment is proving to be such a distraction.

While trying to deduce the root cause of my troubles I find that the fault lies entirely with you.

If you had not realized who Alarmed was we could have stayed friends on email as well as in the laboratory (since you suggest that you are indeed my friend.)

However, I find myself unable to wish that you had not done so, since you were, and are the only person who can see me for who I am, both online and in real life.

This ‘Case of the Not Mouse’, as I have labelled it in my Mind Palace is the most perplexing and in some ways the most terrifying one, that I have ever been called upon to solve.

When I asked Mycroft he suggested that maybe there is no solution but only a process.

I am loathe to admit but as usual he may be right.

SH

 

**[from** **_: molly to: sherlock_ ** **date: 26** **_dec18, 9.20pm_ ** **]**

I did get them!  I saw you out the window, but you’d gone before I could get downstairs. The flowers are beautiful, but I do wish you’d stayed.  

I know this is all confusing, it is for me, too.  But I don’t want it to feel like we can’t talk anymore.  Even when you come to the lab lately, it’s been.. Different.  And not a very nice kind of different. I miss you, even when you’re standing in the same room with me.

And yes, of course we’re friends!  It’s not a suggestion, it’s a fact.  You can try to argue with it, but you’d be wrong.  Best just to accept it, don’t you think?

Taking dating advice from Mycroft seems like strange thing!  But since he’s got Greg wrapped around his fingers now, he must have figured out something that we haven’t!

I probably shouldn’t say this, because things are already complicated and because it’s over text I have no excuse because I should just delete it.  But you know how I feel about you

And that makes it impossible for me to regret anything that’s brought us closer.  Even if it was just for a short time. 

 

**[from:** **_mycroft_ ** **to:** **_gregory_ ** **date:** **_26dec18, 9:58pm_ ** **]**

I know it's traditional to wait a few days before texting, but I had a wonderful time tonight.  Quite clearly this is something we should have done before. But perhaps we could remedy that now?

You see, I've been offered a standing reservation at a new restaurant in the city, Balthazar?  Every month they host a themed meal for a rather select group of guests, and for various reasons, I've had to decline his previous offers.  Not to put too fine a point on it, but he's starting to suspect that I'm deliberately choosing not to come.

This is a terribly roundabout way to ask if you'd join me for dinner?  I find myself hoping I might see you again, outside of work and wrangling my baby brother.

I admit, I'm intrigued by how a Michelin chef would interpret the decade of our childhood.  

The theme this month is the seventies. And all the more reason I'd rather not bring my brother.  He has quite enough material already, without adding jokes about my age to the mix. 

Of course, if you're busy, that's entirely fine!  I do understand how busy you must be. 

 

**[from:** **_gregory to: mycroft_ ** **date: 26dec18, 10.15pm ]**

Mycroft, I think we have  weathered too many storms to submit to outdated tradition now and do the waiting game.

At least that is what my nieces would advise me--and the future belongs to the young so maybe we should take tips from them!

I must admit that I had my misgivings about springing the drinks invitation on you and worried that we may not have anything to talk about beyond Sherlock's shenanigans! But I must confess that I had a simply wonderful time too and it would be my pleasure to join you for dinner at the Balthazar.

Of course, my work will always have to take priority if there is a case going on, but I know that you of all people would understand that. And I know that the same holds true for you too.

So, hoping that the universe conspires to make it happen ---let me know the date and time.

(Give me enough notice to search for my formal jacket and tie since the venue sounds like it might need one!)

Gregory

 

**[from:** **_gregory to: mycroft_ ** **date: 26dec18, 10.16pm ]**

Did I ever tell you ( though I have a suspicion you may know this already somehow ?!) that my father was a Michelin star Chef?

Gregory

 

**[from:** **_mycroft to: gregory_ ** **date: 26dec18, 10.18pm ]**

Then I shall take the advice of the young (which is a phrase I never thought I would say, and one which makes me sound entirely ancient) and hope we can steal a little corner of that future for ourselves?  At least enough that we can have dinner together. I'll call Balthazar to confirm the time, and text you when I find out. 

If I admit that I knew, it would seem like I've been spying into your personal life, Gregory.  And contrary to what Sherlock likes to tell people, I'm not, in fact, omniscient. Or quite that paranoid.  But as it happens, I did know. 

Cooking is one of those arts I've never excelled, I'm afraid.  Most of the men in my family are hopeless in the kitchen, my mother has always claimed that setting Sherlock and I in front of the stove was a recipe for mayhem.  Considering our track record, she may not be entirely wrong! 

And thank you again for tonight, Gregory.  Despite your misgivings, and my own, I can't remember the last time I had such a wonderful evening.

 

**[from:** **_gregory to: molly_ ** **date: 27dec18, 7.00 a.m ]**

Hey Molly, just  a quick short message before I leave for work ( there is no rest for the wicked....) to update you on my Not -date with the Most Dangerous Man in Britain.

It was......... wonderful!!!

And you are going to have to bribe me with your famous home made mince pies before I reveal any more details , though I can tell you this........he asked me out to dinner for our next Not-date 😄

Bye for now!

Greg

 

**[from:** **_molly to: greg_ ** **date: 27dec18, 7.17am ]**

Those aren't NOT-DATES, silly man!  You're dating Mycroft Holmes and I am SO very happy for you! 

I've got a stack of mince pies and the Christmas Who special waiting for you to clear a moment in your busy love life.  And then I want all the details, every last one of them! I know you didn't kiss him goodnight, or you'd be admitting it was a proper date.  But this time he's asked you, so you have to admit that he's interested.

And of course he is!  Why wouldn't he? You're lovely. (When you aren't abandoning your best friend for ginger men in nice suits!) 

Speaking of Holmeses... did you tell Sherlock to show up at my door with an armful of daffodils? 

OH!  Are you going to tell your Mum that you have a nice boy to bring home to meet her?  When you do, I bet you a fiver that Mycroft blushes, and your mum tells him at least one embarrassing childhood story about you.  I think it'll be the one with the vicar, that's usually her favourite!

 

**[from:** **_john to: greg_ ** **date: 27dec18, 9.17am ]**

Hey mate, happy late Christmas.  

I need you to look into something for me, Sherlock's been acting weird, even for him, and I'm pretty sure he's been talking to Irene again.  I checked out his search history and he's been going to a website for ...

I'll just send you the address.  Isn't her graphic style but the content is.  I've asked him what's going on but he's keeping silent, and I know something's up.

[ _ link sent: wordofmouse.uk _ ]

I overheard about Molly meeting your mum.  Congrats, I didn't know things were that serious between you.  Bet she's happy! 

 

**[from** **_: Sherlock to: molly_ ** **date: 27** **_dec18, 10.30 am_ ** **]**

Molly,

You probably don’t know this but initially I wanted to be a pirate. There was something about the sense of adventure, making up my own rules and not answering to anyone on the high seas that had an immense attraction for me.

Mycroft was responsible for helping me find order within the chaos of my brain and in many ways helped mould me into what I am today. To transition from wanting to fight the establishment to helping it fight injustice.

Dating advice may not be his forte but there is no one on this planet who understands me better than he does.

I have always known it and hence resented him.

He made it sound like a covenant that ‘caring was not an advantage’ but he did that to protect me from being hurt.

So today, for once, I am inclined to accept his suggestion without much argument.

Maybe it is time to go back to being a pirate, and perhaps you would be willing to join me in these adventures of discovery?

You of all people know how much I dislike rules, but I can understand patterns. Evidence of human behavior suggests that certain mating rituals followed by animals are useful for the human species too. I believe ‘going on a date’, as John obsessively enjoys doing, is one of the early steps in this process?

I am helping Lestrade with a case and will be rather busy for the next couple of days.

But may I invite you to join me at Angelo’s for dinner on 31 st ?

Will you come, if convenient?

Sherlock

PS: If inconvenient, come anyway!

 

**[from:** **_mycroft to: gregory_ ** **date:** **_28dec18_ ** **,** **_9.23am_ ** **]**

Gregory, I know this is rather late notice, but I was wondering if you would be free on New Year’s Eve?  Of course, if you have other plans, I understand entirely and we can reschedule for a more convenient time.  

 

**[from** **_: molly to: sherlock_ ** **date: 28** **_dec18, 9.58 am_ ** **]**

Sherlock, I keep reading your text and waiting for the punchline that I’ve started to suspect isn’t coming.  Which means you’re probably telling the truth. Even when most of my brain is saying that you couldn’t be. 

That I couldn’t be that lucky.

But even very brilliant pirate captains need a good first mate.  

And hopefully, I’m crossing my fingers, by the time the 31st comes, I’ll actually be able to believe that this is real.  I’ve never rung in the New Year with a pirate before, and this is going to feel like the longest few days in history!

I’d love to meet you for dinner.  

 

**[from:** **_gregory to: mycroft_ ** **date:** **_29dec18, 10.10 am_ ** **]**

Mycroft,

Apologies for the long silence but I was called in for a really difficult case as soon as I got back from the Brasserie, and with the holiday season and absenteeism it meant I was run off my feet more than usual!

I too had such a wonderful time and I am looking forward to meeting at the Balthazar for dinner on 31 st . I am honoured that you would want to spend New Year’s eve in my company and I would like nothing better than to bring in the New Year with you.

Gregory

 

**[from:** **_greg to: molly_ ** **date:** **_29dec18, 11.00 am_ ** **]**

Hey Molls, it’s been a rough few days so just a short message.

I don’t think an armful of daffodils qualifies for a Not- Date any more than does an invitation to an exclusive Michelin star restaurant for New Year’s eve !! ;)

Can’t wait to see you tomorrow for some mince pies and a heart to heart chat about both our Not-Dates!

7pm ok?

Greg

 

**[from:** **_molly to: greg_ ** **date:** **_29dec18, 11.08 am_ ** **]**

That’s a second date with the British Government, he really must like you!  

I love you to bits, you know that?  And I really am happy for you! But I also want all the details on your first date 😛

I’ll get dinner from that place round the corner you like, see you at 7!

 

**[from:** **_mycroft to: greg_ ** **date:** **_29dec18, 11.21 am_ ** **]**

It’s entirely understandable, don’t think twice on it.  Our jobs don’t make it easy to maintain a social life, and I’m certain it won’t be the last time something comes up. I do hope the case was sorted satisfactorily, though?

I’ll pick you up at 6:30 on the 31st.  Is it strange to admit that I’m rather looking forward to it? Perhaps not, but I’m equally unsure where we stand with one another. 

Not that I’m expecting a definition, of course!  My apologies, Gregory, it’s been quite the mad afternoon and I’m half asleep and probably over-thinking things.  

Also, do you have any idea what’s going on between my brother and Ms. Hooper? He’s being remarkably tight lipped about the whole affair, and that never bodes well for our future peace of mind.

 

**[from:** **_greg to: molly_ ** **date:** **_29dec18, 4.00 pm_ ** **]**

Molly….you are not going to believe this but I just saw John’s message. Somehow I missed it in all that madness around the case for the last two days.

He has sent me the link for a website for sex toys run by someone called Mouse. He suspects it is Irene but do you know who I suspect?!! I suspect someone who is my best friend and is determined to give me a heart attack before the year is over.

You are brilliant! I have never read anything so funny in simply ages!! Sally came in to ask me what I was guffawing over cos I laughed till I almost choked on my tea.

No wonder the World’s Only Consulting Detective is at your doorstep with an armful of daffodils. LOL.  

Greg

 

**[from:** **_molly to: greg_ ** **date:** **_29dec18, 4.07 pm_ ** **]**

Oops?  I’ve wanted to tell you so many times, but there’s never been a good moment to just drop the bombshell that I had this secret blog!  And then I sort of thought that you might figure it out on your own, and you didn’t, so … well, I’ve had the blog since before we even met!  

And I’m not trying to give you a heart attack! 😛  That’s just a happy side effect to you being a nosy soul!  I keep imagining my blog making rounds about the Yard, and I don’t think I’m going to be able to ever look Sally in the eye again!  

(But it’s worth it to know it made you laugh I the middle of your shift!  Oh why couldn’t I have been a fly on the wall for that?!)

John really thought it was Irene’s blog?  I guess it isn’t very surprising.. She’s more the sort of woman that would be interested in things like that.  Stereotypically, I mean! But it’s SCIENCE and sex! Not just the sex part… Not that she isn’t smart! I’m sure she is!

John shouldn’t buy into cliches.  But you were obviously much smarter!  Don’t think all your flattery about my brilliant writing is going to get you off the hook though, Mister!  I still want to hear about everything that happened with Mycroft!

 

**[from:** **_greg to: john_ ** **date: 29dec18, 5.00 pm ]**

John, mate, sorry I didn’t see your message till today. It’s been a crazy week down at the Yard.

A happy late Christmas to you too!

As it happens I do have answers to all your questions. I must warn you that they are unlikely to be what you expect at all!

I would have offered to come over to Baker Street and explain it all over a cup of tea but I have a feeling you will need something much stronger.

I have plans for this evening but let us meet tomorrow at the Broken Heart Pub across the Yard at 7 pm?

GL

 

**[from:** **_john to: greg_ ** **date: 29dec18, 5.32pm]**

Fair, fair, it’s alright, I know how it goes.  All I know right now is that Sherlock’s gotten messed up with that woman again.  I thought it was annoying when he was blasting holes in the walls, but this pacing and muttering shite is definitely worse.  

Even Mycroft hasn’t been darkening my doorway for a while.  But small mercies, yeah? Maybe he’s finally given up pushing in where he isn’t wanted.  

One of us’ll have to tell him about Irene though.  Not looking forward to that! Maybe we can figure that out while we’re grabbing a drink.  

Broken Heart, 7pm, I’ll be there.

 

**[from:** **_john to: sherlock_ ** **date: 29dec18, 5.38pm]**

Hey mate, I'm meeting up with Greg tonight.  He figures he knows what's going on with you, and he's going to fill me in.

So here's your chance to come clean.

I know you've been talking to Irene.  I saw the website you've been reading, did you think I wouldn't figure it out?  Just fess up, and tell me the truth.

 

**[from:** **_sherlock to: john_ ** **date:** **_29dec18, 6.05pm_ ** **]**

John….as always, you see but do not observe!

I have no idea who ‘Greg’ is and why he would know anything about me.

Let me know what you find out.

SH

 

**[from:** **_greg to: mycroft_ ** **date:** **_30dec18, 2.45pm_ ** **]**

Mycroft,

I have been wondering if I should send you this message or not and mulling over it for 24 hours, as you can see.

But I am sure you can read me like a book anyway, perhaps even better than Sherlock does. So here goes.

What I want to ask is this: Would ‘Balthazar’ be very disappointed if we didn’t make it to their dinner?

I find myself reluctant to spend the precious time we are able to find in our busy lives, sitting politely across a table in a public place, with the conversation probably revolving around coulis and reductions and glazes.

Much as I don’t want to put you in an awkward position, and as you point out so rightly, in this relationship that has no name (yet), what I am trying to say really is--- I would rather sit with you in your bat free dungeon, getting to know you better.

I want to know what music you listen to. I would love to browse through your collection of books. I want you to get to know me a bit better too. Beyond the greying plod at Scotland Yard who has been babysitting your genius brother for almost a decade.

Would you be amenable to that?

I don’t need to say this, but it is  perfectly alright if you can’t or don’t want to!

Balthazar it is then and I will fish out my best jacket and be ready for you to pick me up at 6.30pm on 31 st .

But if the alternative is something you are comfortable with, I must inform you that I would definitely be calling it a date at this point 😄

Gregory

 

**[from:** **_mycroft to: gregory_ ** **date:** **_30dec18, 5.36pm_ ** **]**

I’m sorry this is rather a short reply, but I’m going to be trapped in a meeting for most of the evening and I wanted to message you before that.

It sounds like a wonderful idea.  I’ll have my housekeeper tidy away the worst of the cobwebs, and see if she can keep the werewolf tied up in the basement. I’m not certain how he’ll react to guests.

For what it’s worth, Gregory, I’ve never seen you as a plod.  Greying or otherwise. I think you wear it rather well.

Tomorrow evening it is.  A date.

 

**[from:** **_gregory  to: mycroft_ ** **date:** **_30dec18, 6.40pm_ ** **]**

Tell me where the nearest CCTV camera is cos I want you to see me grinning like the Cheshire Cat 😄

See you tomorrow at the dungeons.

Gregory

 

**[from** **_: molly to: sherlock_ ** **date:** **_01jan19, 7.32am_ ** **]**

Happy New Year!  I had such a wonderful time, and I can't wait to see you again tonight!

You bring the spreadsheets, and I'll bring the Cheerful Yellow Thing.

PS: No, I haven't forgotten the phalanges you asked for!  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank again everyone! This has been such an adventure! ❤️


	7. And all is revealed to John

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All of us wanted to know what happened when Greg met John in the pub!!! and the muse finally obliged--enjoy :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This epilogue has been written by sherlock221Bismymuse and approved by eloquated :)

Greg walked into the pub, hands in his pockets, almost whistling.

He went to the counter, paid for two drinks and carried them to the corner table where John was already waiting. He slid into his seat in front of John and handed him the drink.

He suspected that John would need more eventually.

He smiled.

He couldn’t seem to stop smiling since his latest date with Mycroft. Not only had he enjoyed his company immensely and had some amazing food cooked by the man himself but the evening had ended with a kiss. A toe curling and knee wobblingly good kiss.

And then the evening had continued into the night and when he had finally left after breakfast the next morning, the smile seemed to be permanently plastered on his face.

Now he smiled from the moment he woke up till he fell asleep. He hummed at work and he smiled some more.

Sally had gotten creeped out by this more than once already.

“Boss!” She had hissed at him. “You look worse than Freak when he gets all gleeful at murder scenes. Think of something grim! Paperwork! Unsolved cases! The Chief Super!”

Greg had just grinned some more as she rolled her eyes and walked away.

.

.

As Greg sat down now John also notice his smile and raised his glass.

“Finally we meet!" John said. " After postponing twice! Happy New Year mate and cheers to you and the mysterious ‘M’. You aren’t dating the head of secret services are you?”

Greg laughed. “That’s a pretty close guess John!”

John looked confused. “Really? You are seeing someone in the secret services??”

“Hmm, kind of…” Greg said, enjoying this.

“So, are you going to tell me who it is or do I have to ask Mycroft?” John said.

Greg choked on his drink and needed a minute to recover. “Would you seriously do that ?” He asked John.

“Yeah mate. I get enough of mysteries and clues and differential diagnoses all day long. Some straightforward information would be a refreshing change. Mycroft would know if it is someone from MI6. Not that Mycroft is capable of giving a straight answer but what the hell…”He put his glass down with an exasperated sigh.

“Go on then!” Greg said, grinning fit to bursting now “Call him. Call Mycroft.”

The pub was quiet for a change. No match. No loud crowds. So John pulled out his phone and dialled.

“Yes Dr Watson. How can I help you?” Came the suave voice of Mycroft Holmes.

“I am putting you on speaker Mycroft.” John said. “I need a name. Who is Greg seeing?”

“Well, if he is front of you then my guess would be -–you.” Mycroft said with just a hint of exasperation.

“Mycroft, you know enough of pop lingo to understand _exactly_ what I am asking. Greg is dating someone. Do you know who?” John asked, miffed.

“Yes.” Mycroft said.

“Well?? Who is it?” John asked, his voice rising a pitch.

“Are you sitting down Dr Watson? Is your drink on the table and not in your hand?” Mycroft asked calmly.

“Yes yes, good heavens. Tell me already. Who the f...who is he dating?”

“Me.” Said the calm voice coming from the speaker.

“What?!” John’s eyes bulged and he was gasping for breath. “You…you are…you and Greg. Gregory Lestrade?”

“Yes the one and only.” Mycroft drawled. “And now if you will excuse me, I am in Singapore trying to get to a breakfast meeting. Gregory love if you can hear me—I will see you at home tomorrow for dinner.”

Greg laughed. “Sure My. Have a good meeting. Bye sweetheart.”

John passed out.

.

.

When he came to, Greg decided to take him back to Baker Street.

John was so stunned that he was silent all the way home. Greg unlocked the front door to 221B door using the key he had always had.

They climbed up the stairs when they heard some moans.

 _Holy crap_ Greg thought to himself. _He should have warned Molly!! Too late now…._

_._

_._

John became alert when he heard these odd sounds and slowly pushed the flat door open. Both of them heard Sherlock speak, loud and clear.

“So what you are saying is clitoral stimulation isn’t enough but is necessary and if I do this ( _there was a kissing sound_ )  while using this thing at the medium vibration speed ( _more kissing sounds_ ) , then it is more likely to give you an orgasm ?”

John flung the door open ......to find Irene....NO ! to find Sherlock lying on the sofa with Molly cuddled into him. Molly ?!!

They were kissing and Sherlock had some weird yellow contraption in one hand and his other hand was inside her shirt.

.

.

Molly and Sherlock.

Sherlock Holmes and Molly Hooper.

Sherlock and Molly. On the sofa. With a sex toy.

It was like something out of Cluedo..

.

.

“Oh John, you are back early.” He heard Sherlock say, just before he passed out again.

 

 


End file.
